Deborah Parkin Photography

Happy New Year

2012-01-04T01:24:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and I hope that 2012 will be one that is full of creativity, happiness and inspiration.

Overall I enjoyed 2011. I had some wonderful recognitions but more importantly I felt that I grew as a photographer. Over the past few months I have been thinking about what or where I want to go with my work. I can easily plan the kind of work I want to produce or learn but when it comes to the marketing side, I am pretty lame. I was thinking that all the success I had last year came by chance and not me chasing it. From being published in Ag to being published by Galerie Vevais this year. I didn't have to push myself on to anyone, market or network. I often find that the success, including an upcoming exhibition has come as a happy accident. I have put my head down and worked hard learning my craft and then someone sees my work and either likes it or not & if they do something comes of it.

I hope that doesn't sound arrogant - as my point is that all the things that I have put myself forward in have nearly always come to nothing whether it has been a competition or a magazine. It's quite funny - I just must be a very poor judge of who might like my work, a terrible editor or simply my work isn't good enough.

So, I am going to take a bit of a lesson from this for 2012. I am not going to enter competitions. I am no longer going to pay for anything (in fact I rarely did, it was a condition of getting a studio). I am going to concentrate on work. I already have some wonderful things lined up for 2012. I have a bookbinding course to go on so that I can make some artist books for the Al-Mutanabbi Street Project. I have to make and donate 3 books by July. I am also doing a project with a school in Glasgow and will be assisting the wet plate collodion workshop with Carl Radford (& Alex Boyd, I hope). I will be going on a course to do a platinum palladium course with Kerik Kouklis and I still have a lot to learn with my wet plates. I have a my first solo exhibition later in the year. And, finally I hope to have books published with Galerie Vevais. So many wonderful things to look forward too.

So my New Years resolution is to get working - work hard, learn well. Spend my time and money on creating. What about you? Would love to hear your plans for 2012.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-15T09:10:00.001-08:00

It has been nearly two years since I started this blog. I remember it well - writing into the void, never imagining that anyone would actually read it. It was my son's birthday and it was snowing. I had just emailed my lecturer at university to say that I would have to give up my photography degree due to family circumstances. I felt a little lost if I am honest and wondered whether I would progress with my photography.

So two years on and I am feeling pretty happy with my decision. I never have plans in as much as I don't know what I want from my work but I do usually know what I want to do. Overall it's been a good year. I have met amazing people both online and off - some of whom I really do feel I can call friends. I am at times overwhelmed at how kind and supportive people have been towards me and my work and I am truly grateful. I hope you all know who you are.

I sometimes sit amazed at my inbox at some of the people helping me - people I have known about for years, through their work, their books, blogs or just being on their mailing list - I never, and I mean never thought I would chat so casually and happily with them.

I have achieved more than I ever believed this year. However, naturally it is not always that plain sailing. I have huge crisis of confidence in myself and my work like anyone else and of course I get countless rejections and criticism but that is part and parcel of putting yourself out there I suppose. But, this is a positive blog today - and one of thanks for all those that support, encourage and inspire me - I hope I give a little something back too.

So, I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and I hope 2012 is a wonderful year for you. As for my 2012, I am going to refine the craft of my wet plates, continue my wet plate project with the children. I have some books to make for the al-mutanabbi street project and I am doing a project with a school in Glasgow - so lots to look forward :)

Encapsulating Childhood

2011-10-31T02:09:00.000-07:00

I have had an interesting week regarding my photography despite not picking up the camera. I was invited by the Shpilman Institute for Photography to write a piece about my latest series "Stillness in Time" which you can read here, entitled "Encapsulating Stillness". It's good to sit and write about your work, one of the reasons I love to blog. It makes you think about why you are doing it, rather than just doing it because you like to do it. It's about digging deeper and exploring what drives you to do it and to go beyond a more conscious level of your work.

So, the first thing I addressed was why I wanted to photograph children using the wet plate collodion process. I have mentioned it before on my blog, and you can read about it on the "SIP" blog so I won't go into it here.

I then was asked the question on FB whether the pictures of these children are really a depiction of my childhood - this was also asked by a childhood friend who knew me well. And to a point the answer is yes.

This brings me on to the next interesting part of my week. A couple of days I posted this portrait of my son (I won't say where) and the reaction wasn't very positive. They found it uncomfortable, distressing, depressing, words such a 'postmortem' was used - to 'I really don't like this'. Which of course is fine. On the other hand people found it beautiful, serene and peaceful - it is amazing how one projects something of themselves to an image. This pleases me. For me I want to leave an image open.

However, it wasn't the criticism that perturbed me but the fact that people still find it difficult to cope with images of childhood or children that are not smiling or happy. I have been rereading Anne Higonnet's "Pictures of Innocence. The History and Crisis of Ideal Childhood" which I always find interesting, sometimes agreeing, sometimes not. Nonetheless, in regards to my own work I thought that I am not depicting the child, what I am doing is challenging the notion of childhood being innocent - not the child. We shouldn't sentimentalize childhood, to do this would be a grave disservice to our children. It would be a lie. It would suggest that a child lives in a blissful bubble and doesn't feel things that we do as adults. Children are acutely aware of what is going on around them. They feel the emotional torment of a parent's violent argument, they feel the sense of isolation in a classroom if they don't fit in. They know the pain of being laughed at by peers. Children feel as vulnerable, if not more vulnerable than adults. I am not saying that all of childhood is like this. I remember lots of fun and happiness and I see this in my own children. But childhood is what shapes us into the adults we become. It is a small but deeply significant part of our lives. If you see something in a picture it may say something of ourselves - we project our feelings. So we can look at these images and see serenity or fear but that is up to the individual. But we must allow children & childhood to be explored, to be heard literally and visually and sometimes this may make us uncomfortable.

William Ropp presents ...

2011-10-04T02:44:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago I was searching for photography books on children and came across the work of William Ropp. That Christmas I was given his book to me as a present, immediately I fell in love with his work. Several months later I received his '20 years of photography' book for my 40th birthday. As I sat waiting to start my Wet Plate Collodion course I passed the book around to my fellow students.

Anyway, several weeks ago I got a phone call from William (can't tell you how nervous I was) to say that he had spoken to Alexander Scholz of Galerie Vevais and they would like to publish my work and William is to be my editor. Surely this is what dreams are made of? I love the work that I have seen by Galerie Vevais,(I have William's Dreamt Memories of Africa) their books are beautiful, crafted and individual. I cannot think of a better publisher for my work. I want my work to be all of these things and more than anything, I wanted it to feel personal and something that if you buy it you will love it and cherish it. So I am so happy to announce that Galerie Vevais will be publishing both my "September is the Cruellest Month" and "Stillness in Time" series. It is early days of course and much has to be done but I am patient and as we all know time passes very quickly.

As I sit here typing there are two things that strike me about my 40th birthday. One was that I had no idea how life enhancing it would be. I never imagined I would ever cross paths with William Ropp let alone he would be my editor. I didn't even know if I could do a wet plate, let alone have a book made from my work. I came across a quote yesterday "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" and I have to agree. I am always pushed out of it .. from the first post of putting my work up publicly on the internet, to doing the wet plate course & so far I am pleased I did.

As always thank you to everyone who has encouraged me throughout .. x

An Inspiring Day

2011-09-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

This isn't really a photography blog today but I did feel the need to write about my running the Bupa Great North Run last Sunday. However, it was inspired by photography. In April this year I was honoured to be published in Ag Magazine and yet soon after I heard the very sad news that Chris Dickie, the editor and publisher had died from pancreatic cancer. I never knew Chris personally but through our emails concerning the publication I found him to be warm, encouraging and supportive and this news made me feel incredibly sad. Chris isn't the only person I have known to have died from pancreatic cancer, and the more people I talk to about this disease the more I hear how they have been touched by it in one way or another. So I decided to get in touch with the Pancreatic Cancer Research Fund and see if I could run for them. I have never done anything like this in my life before and when they said 'yes' I kind of panicked if I am honest.

Anyway, I did it. It was a very emotional experience. If you ever feel disheartened about the human race then go along to something like this. Several times I felt as if I could burst into tears. Everywhere I looked there were people running 13 miles for a charity or for someone. I remember seeing a young girl of around 18 who was running for her mum who had died of cancer .. she was dancing/running past the steel band in celebration of her mum's life and love .. I wanted to cry again. I never for one moment felt that what I was doing was altruistic in any sense. I wanted to do something, it makes me feel good about myself. Anyone who knows me knows I will always say it is good Karma and it is. This is just a little bit of me saying thanks to the world and thanks to people like Chris Dickie. And while I am here, thanks to everyone who helps me in my photography, who inspire me and supports me and in life too .. particularly my family.

I also have a just giving page for the Pancreatic Cancer Trust (Thanks Colin:)

I love it's stillness. I love how I can look at a single moment forever.

2011-09-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

There was recently a question posed by Andy Adams on Flak Photo Network on Facebook asking why we had chosen photography as our medium of expression. I hadn't really thought of my reason to be honest so I made a simple reply. I said "I love it's stillness. I love how you can look at a single moment forever". Not particularly profound but very true when revealing my love of the photograph and photography.

I am often asked what I will do when my children are grown up and I have no-one to photograph. My answer is I have no idea. My work tends to evolve. I don't have a plan as such. I find something I love and go with the flow .. I don't have an agenda.

This summer I have been working with children (other than my own) and the wet plate collodion process. It has been wonderful. I am fascinated by childhood. I know people say it is the best years of your life, I would have to disagree. Of course it can be wonderful, magical and I believe as children we lack the inhibitions that are drilled into us as we enter adulthood. However, I feel childhood can be challenging, at times sad and often frustrating. As kids we are often told what to do, how to do it and how to behave and we are organised relentlessly .. I am not saying this is a bad thing just a fact of life I suppose.

So when I made these portraits I really wanted the children to tell me what they wanted. I wanted them to use their imaginations and I wanted to share the magic of the wet plate process. I couldn't have asked for better children, they were amazing. They all had ideas of what they wanted and they all wanted to be a part of this project. I loved their enthusiasm and their interest.

What I loved most about doing this was that it took time and no-one minded. They never once complained about the framing up (the amount of time it took), or the fact that I was in & out of a darkroom .. they would joke, here comes the purple hand (that's my rubber gloves) as I unzipped the tent. I also loved the stillness of these portraits .. a few moments in time, with each children holding still and engaging only with camera and the moment they were in .. it really was beautiful and I suppose the reason why I love photography and being a photographer.

Changes

2011-08-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

We are two-thirds the way into the summer holidays already. We have just had our family holiday, we don't venture far since the children have been born but thankfully we don't really need too. Apart from the horrendous weather we sometimes get, the beauty around makes up for it. It's been an eventful couple of weeks. I love our time together. We head up to the coast for the first week, it rained, and rained. We watched parts of England descend into chaos with the riots as we sat under the quietness of the north east rain, feeling (thankfully) a million miles away.

The second week we headed for the Lake District. We stayed in a small cottage not far from William Wordsworth's house. We had a small garden. It was so wonderful to see the kids imagination working .. working with nature. They had no toys, but the gate provided endless entertainment, particularly as a horse or farm.

The photo's here are what I feel are the essence of our time together. That valuable time of togetherness. I love how they connect to their surroundings, to nature, to water, to the fells & mountains. I thought I would see big changes in the year since I started this project. I did in some ways, in the obvious ways such as getting taller, their capabilities such as climbing bigger mountains, becoming stronger swimmers & the conversations we have. And yet they are the same. They are beautiful, unique individuals who have stayed the same in so many ways and I think these photographs have captured that for me.

On a slightly different note, it has been a good couple of weeks. I have had my work featured on FlakPhoto & THIAPS and have confirmed a solo exhibition next year (and maybe one or two in the pipeline). Tomorrow I am back to wet plates and then it will be our final week of the summer holidays and changes will be happening for my son in particular as he starts a new school and so it begins over again when September, for me, feels the cruellest month.

Stillness in Time, Wet Plate Portraits of Childhood

2011-08-04T14:38:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last blog, my latest project is to photograph children using the wet plate collodion process. The series will deliberately be a collaborative one. One in which the children tell me what they would like and I, as photographer will do my best to make sure they get what they want .. not always easy, particularly if it is something like balancing on one leg or swinging from a tree.

Anyway, last Sunday I started the project in earnest. I had done a couple of children previously and of course my own children but I knew I had a couple of pretty intensive days ahead of me.

So, on Sunday we had some children over to our house. I live in a Victorian terrace house with a very small back yard, very suburban and not a massive amount of space outside of family use. I set the darkroom up in my dining room, rearranging furniture & was ready to go. The children had never seen anything like this and each one of them was so keen to be a part of it, they loved seeing themselves on the plates and watching the magic of it appearing. It was wonderful watching them trying to stay really still, almost trying to out do each other on who stood still the best. All the children here are from three families, so lots of brothers and sisters here.

On the Monday, my friend kindly offered me the use of her garden. She invited our other friends over with her children too. In total there were thirteen children involved, including mine. We didn't get started until gone 2pm so I worked relentlessy for a few hours, making sure each child had a turn & until the rain came down in one massive downpour.

We decided to try again for the Tuesday, so optimistically I left the dark tent up and went home around 8pm. Big mistake. Tuesday was horrendous. The rain came in a torrent, flooding streets and paths and my dark tent. My husband came and helped me put it away, there was going to be no more wet plates that day. I stayed for lunch at my friend's and the kids stayed to play. Around 3.30pm the rain stopped. I was itching, so texted my husband and jokingly asked him to bring the tent back .. he did. So we set up again and worked and worked to get plates of everyone.

It was such good fun although at times challenging. I had a problem with the darkslide and the plate fell out, I carried the camera to the tent and saved it reasonably well. You will see that it is of 'H' with her hair flowing out, damaged and over-exposed .. but somehow it just tells the story more.

On the Monday was had each child wanting to tell their own story. One of my favourite's is of 'L' in the cat costume. I have to admit when I saw it I was worried that it would just be a big black blob and knew the exposure and the background had to be right. I needn't have worried. If I say so myself I love this image. She knew exactly what she wanted and was already in this outfit at least an hour before she sat on her tricycle for me.

Tuesday was slightly different. After 'J' laid down for her portrait all the girls wanted to do this and then when 'E' laid with a bouquet of red roses, all the girls wanted that, some with hair flaying some not. It was wonderful. The boys wanted something more straightforward or fun. 'C' stood out from the crowd with his comedy glasses .. this did make me laugh.

So finally home again around 8.30pm and absolutely shattered with a terrible headache (probably too much ether inhalation) but happy. I have more children lined up for wet plates and I can't wait. They are wonderful. They are inquisitive, deep, bold, shy, individual, the same, and allowing them to stay still in their own world for a few seconds feels magical.

Stillness in Time, Portraits of Childhood

2011-08-01T02:33:00.000-07:00

There has been a few blogs going around lately about the way in which we use the internet as photographers & how we view photography. I won't paraphrase here but you can read about it on Lauren Henkin's blog, Jennifer Schwartz's 'The Ten' & Andy Adam's 'Flak'. I have to say reading these really got me thinking about how I view, display & share my work.

For me, I enjoy certain aspects of the internet and social networking sites. After I left university I had nowhere that I could go and discuss my work, share it and get feedback, with the internet I do get this. I also have met some wonderful people, both online and in real life that have led to great opportunities, no of which would have happened if I hadn't been active on the web.

Reading people's thoughts however did make me question whether I was 'over-exposing' my work, that because it was so accessible no-one would take it seriously. Would it lose the 'wow' factor because it had been seen? I can't answer for everyone but I hope not but maybe I do need to be careful.

However, part of my creative process is to write about what I am doing, why I am doing it .. I enjoy showing my work in progress, for me it is like sitting in the refectory at university talking to my fellow students. But, the final image, the object is the most important aspect. It's like standing in front of the lecturer for crit. I take pride in my work. I am continuously working to improve, to inspire and be inspired. I love the photograph as object. I work with film and wet plates so my work is first in my hand before it goes on the screen. I tested paper after paper to get my "September" series right when reproducing it. I even went on a course. I have shown people my wet plates and I don't believe them to be disappointed in them if they have viewed them online first. In fact, walk into my studio or house and my work is everywhere, laying around nonchalantly or framed for all to see.

So saying all this, my next project is finally underway in earnest. "Stillness in Time. Wet Plate Portraits of Childhood". I am embarking on taking a series of portraits of children using the wet plate process. Why children? Because I love their honesty, their lack of inhibition and their wonder at the process itself. I love to engage with them, talk to them. But more than anything I love how they drift off into their own world for a few seconds and forget I am there. So, today I am off to someone's garden to take some portraits .. there will be 9 children there .. not sure if I will get time to do all 9 and the weather is looking against me but it's a beginning and it's a challenge. Here are a few portraits I did yesterday (the one of Fleur last week). Each child was a pleasure to work with ... and I hope to do more of them. I have no idea how this project will turn out and maybe I am taking a chance showing you now, only time will tell.

Moving on ...

2011-07-19T01:59:00.000-07:00

It is the final week before the school summer holidays start. It is going to be a strange week for my son as has the last few weeks to be honest. He is leaving his primary school, a school that he has been at for 6 years. As a parent I have watched him on his emotional rollercoster, as he realises that life will change for him soon and friends are not always friendly. He has grown so much this past year, not just physically but in confidence too. He now answers back, he takes part in swimming galas and concerts and cycles 40 mile cyclones with his dad. This is the child that I couldn't get off my lap at any playgroup I took him too .. he wouldn't participate in anything, he was so painfully shy outside the family. Naturally as a mother I am happy that he has grown and yet as I sit here and I type I feel a sense of sadness and gladness.

I remember taking a picture of him looking out of the window deep in thought. You can see the picture here .. I am afraid that the original is on a drive somewhere not accessible to me today. Anyway, this was my first ventures into photography, happily snapping away with my digital camera. The portrait, and I remember it so well was taken just before he started school. I remember asking what was wrong and he told me how scared he was about starting school. I remember cheerfully reassuring him as my heart was aching for him.

And now he is leaving. He came downstairs a week or so ago and asked if I would take a wet plate collodion portrait of him so he could give it to his teacher as a thank you present. So here it is .. the first one. Not hugely different in it's feel to the 'Thinker' portrait and yet so different in the physical approach .. yet you can see the same child, the same photographer. I love to compare the two. We have both grown and shared the journey as child, mother, photographer and I hope it continues.

Photo albums and memories.

2011-07-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was my birthday and one of my presents was this beautiful book called "Photographic Memory. The Album in the Age of Photography" by Verna Posevar Curtis (as recommended in Flak Photo Book). In my last blog I was talking about making a photo book and was looking at ways in which I could make one that was personal, unique and yet looked 'professional' for want of a better word. Anyway, reading through this book inspired my decision to stick to my original idea of presenting it in a style that resonates that of the photo album. Just reading the first page alone filled me with excitement about how beautiful, intimate and powerful these objects are. The following quotation in particular really brings this home to me.

When you hold a photo album, you sense that you are in possession of something unique, intimate, and meant to be saved for a long time. As you turn the pages and look at the images, you imbibe the maker's experience, invoking your imagination and prompting personal memories.

This literally sent chills down my spine. It was exactly the reason why I love photo albums. I love how they feel so personal, how we engage with them and react to them. We look at them we a sense of our mortality, of our time passing. They bring back memories, they engage us with our past. They actually feel like living, breathing objects .. they are so connected to us. I also feel this when looking at other peoples albums .. particularly old albums. I look at the person and engage and question them . I look and wonder. I wonder about the purpose of the image, or what the person was thinking or what they were like. Even with handwritten sub-text we can also impart a piece of our own thoughts and feelings. As Curtis suggests:

While they have authority in their representation of the real world, they are also subjective and open to interpretation, embodying thoughts in pictures. Looking at albums redoubles the storytelling impulse that photographs naturally trigger.

And it is for that reason why I want my book to have the feeling of the classic photograph album. As you can see from these photographs I have posted I love the photograph as an object. I have subconsciously chosen to work with instant film and wet plates, thus allowing an instant image which means I will always have a print of whatever I have taken. My house and studio are full of photographs. I have also posted images to show how I present my work in an album and a box (these are the photographs waiting to go into the album). I also keep a journal. So my objective for my book/album is to recreate feelings of the personal, of the object, of the story. I want you to hold it and share my world with an empathetic eye and heart. I will leave you with one more quote that again tells the story of why I love photo albums.

From the earliest days, albums have been made for the purpose of preserving impressions and launching memories.

It goes on:

Above all, they are personal and handcrafted. The maker or makers handled the album, affixing photographs and often writing captions. If it became a gift, it felt the touch of both the original maker and its recipients.

Perfect imperfections

2011-06-27T01:24:00.000-07:00

For the past week, possibly more, I have been working on another book. A slightly different approach. As you many know my original book was basically a small, A5 hardback book with tipped in small, silver gelatin prints. Although I like the concept, I did face problems. One of which was fanning. I tried to overcome that problem by placing paper spacer in between the pages .. again the problem was I just couldn't get them neat enough. So I got rid of one problem to find another. So the next thing I tried was printing directly onto good quality paper .. after seeking advice I found Hahnemuhle photorag duo. I found the print to be beautiful although very different to the silver gelatin. But, I knew I had to get away from seeing my work as prints and see it as a book .. a whole new approach to it. The next problem I encountered was the paper is quite heavy and stitching was tricky. Although most of the pages bound pretty well, a few gaps (which you can see on the page with the image 'Rock pool' ) appeared between the signatures, it was so frustrating. If I pulled too tightly I was in danger of ripping the paper (which I did of course) and not pull enough, gaps.

However, saying this I won't give up.

My other dilemma is I am still drawn to creating a photobook/album. I want a book that feels personal (hence the words are handwritten in pencil as opposed to printed), intimate and with a sense of memory. I love the book as object, I love the photograph as object too .. the original way gives you both I suppose. I want something that looks professional, neat, perfect but I also want a book that is personal, imperfect, handmade, unique .. I am trying to get the balance, and that is taking more time than I thought. If anyone has any advice, tips or preferences as to what they would like, or how the see my work I would love to hear. In the meantime there are two wonderful Facebook pages dedicated to photobooks (Flakphotobooks) and hand-made books set up by Laurin Henkin. Anyway, a week off from book making and back to wet plates this week and getting ready to assist a workshop with Carl Radford at The Clocktower

Evolving

2011-06-10T01:25:00.000-07:00

Last week I read a really thought-provoking blog by Lauren Henkin called "The Creativity Drought". I really recommend reading it. It really made me think about the times in which I too suffer a 'creativity drought' and how I handle it.

I remember when I was at university we had to be thinking conceptually about everything we did, sometimes projects were on a weekly basis. We were under a lot of pressure. I remember working on my street photography project and having to think about the next project 'The Institution'. Although it was a great way to discipline yourself, it was also, for me a very unnatural way of working. I am a good self motivator and love to learn new things and challenge myself, but I cannot perform for others, I cannot churn out work just because I have too. For me, it has to come naturally. When I left university I didn't really produce very much for months, I took time out. I then started my 'memory' project and I started writing about my work. I did it for myself and no one else, it was really liberating. I then moved onto to working with large format cameras and hence my "September" project evolved.

Evolving, that is the key word. That is what helps me through times when I am not feeling inspired. Photography is a wonderful gift. It allows us to explore, learn and create on so many levels. If I had to think conceptually, all the time, as I did at university, I think I would inevitable dry up. If I look at photography in a more rounded way then I allow myself time to breathe.

So how am I doing this? Well, this is what I have done this week. I am still working on my "September" project (this is very long term). The above picture is on Fleur's 6th birthday, this after the party, the unwrapping of presents, the family and friends have gone home and the anti-climax setting in. I have also made a few wet plates of my children. I am practicing like mad to get better and better with the process for my next project and I am picking up glass later today to make ambrotypes as well as tintypes. All this is a learning process. I have also had someone over to my studio for a couple of days to watch and learn the magic of Wet Plate Collodion. I am also assisting Carl Radford with his wet plate workshops, which is great experience (that was two weeks ago but I am doing another one in July). And today, I am tackling my book (again). For me photography isn't just about creating images, it is about presenting them as a body of work, as a story. Finding ways that best tell this story, whether it is choosing frames for an exhibition or making books.

So, for me, once I got off the production line, I felt liberated. For me, my work, my photography needed to feel more organic. But more importantly it has to be something I love.

I would love to hear about what motivates you and how you handle those days, months when you are feeling uninspired.

Wet Plate Collodion Workshop

2011-05-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, last year I did a wet plate collodion workshop with Carl Radford up in Glasgow. Well this year he kindly invited me up to assist him. So last Friday I spent the day rushing around packing up things I would need to take with me, clothes, toothbrush, silver box, camera, and as always family.

So Saturday morning arrives, an early start of 9am. Geoff takes the kids off to Glasgow for the day and I immerse myself in a day of collodion. What I love about Carl's course's is how relaxed they are right from the beginning. We start with a cuppa and a chat .. we talk about ourselves, we talk about wet plate. We are a mixed bunch, with one thing in common, a love of photography and a fascination/passion/obsession with this beautiful process. So sitting around the table I meet Lucy, Anne, Estelle, David & Nick. I finally got to meet Alex Boyd and Douglas, who were also there to help assist.

After the introductions we set about to work. After Carl had talked everyone through the process and demonstrated a few times the students started making plates. To start with I helped Nick and then moved onto Estelle and Lucy. It was always relaxed and enjoyable. The only that was not really helpful was the weather. We were subjected to some wonderful downpours and very high winds (particularly on Sunday). It never once dampened spirits or enthusiasm. The larger camera's couldn't be taken outside on the Sunday due to the 40mph wind. However, the saying 'if there is a will, there is a way' seemed to be our motto. Lights were set up inside for the 8x10 cameras and the 4x5's went outside.

On Sunday I helped Anne a little bit, but it wasn't long before I wasn't needed as she was pouring and producing wonderful plates.

Today I feel exhausted and looking back I can see why. We fitted in so much. People were producing plates on their own by Sunday as well as varnishing, & shown how to clean and prepare glass. Socially too the group gelled so well. We had an Indian meal on the Saturday evening .. I brought along my family as did Anne, which was wonderful.

On Sunday Alastair Cook came along with a presentation of his beautiful work and also made some plates using a box brownie .. but more amazingly he got my children to stay still for 10 seconds.

So to summarise, we had a wonderful bunch of people, some of whom had never even done large format work, let alone wet plate work, going away with theoretical knowledge and practical experience and hopefully a bunch of people to keep in touch with with as they embark on their collodion journey. I know everyone went away feeling exhilarated.

I should add that the plates below are not mine, they are a selection of work by the students :)

What we are familiar with, we cease to see.

2011-05-21T02:42:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love the writer Anais Nin and the other day I came across one of her quotes in which she says: What we are familiar with we cease to see. It really hit me, it resonated so much truth. I have often heard people say, when for example I have said they live in a beautiful area/home etc, and they reply, 'you get used to it'. I suppose to a point you do.

Anyway, it made me question myself. And surprisingly I thought 'no, I don't cease to see'. My reason for this is obvious I suppose, it is photography and in particular the kind of work I am doing. Each picture, perhaps because it is large format photography, is considered. When I am working I am with my family. I watch them constantly, I wait to see what they will do that makes me want to capture that moment or to recreate that moment. In that way everything that should be familiar to me, such as watching them laying, or playing feels like a unique experience. It could be what they say, what they do, their body language .. it could be that I have noticed they have grown, grown up.

Not only do I spend most of my time with my family, I have also spent a lot of time looking at my work. I look at ways of presenting it, showing it to the world or just looking at them in my family box of photographs. I remember every picture taken. I remember where and when and sometimes I hear the conversations that take place before, during and after.

I am also in the process of making a new hand made book for the 'September is the Cruellest Month' series. So again, I am looking and feeling this work. I am also writing the notes I made alongside each individual photo .. telling the story behind the image.

This week makes me more contemplative than most weeks. Three years ago this week I lost my very dear friend to breast cancer. She was a very optimistic woman who loved life and living with cancer for 14 years made her see life so vividly .. she could see beauty in the most mundane. She was as a great inspiration to me in how I view the world and so is photography. I am so grateful for all of this.

Motherhood and photography

2011-05-12T04:07:00.000-07:00

This blog comes from several conversations or things I have heard over the past couple of days. I am going to try and articulate.

When I am asked how I see myself, (as in terms of artist) I say 'a mother with a camera' quite a lot. It's a bit tongue in cheek, but it is also true. Just over ten years ago I couldn't envisage any of this. I was telling my friend's mum just yesterday that before I had children I wasn't the slightest bit maternal. I was married 8 years before we had our son and even during pregnancy I was in a state of denial. I was absolutely terrified of having a child. I can see why too. I was never really told about how much you love them and how painful the love you feel can be. How you become more attached and aware of your own childhood, how you see their vulnerability and how you are constantly wanting to protect them.

Several years ago we went on holiday abroad and had a villa. During the night we had an intruder. I woke up and my husband & I chased him out. The children always sleep with us when we are somewhere new or strange. I never really sleep well now. The fear I felt was indescribable .. they are blissfully unaware.

I had a lovely comment on the above image the other day, in which he wrote:

"Love the way you work as an artist with the driving power of motherly love"

And I thought, yes, that is it. My work is about their childhood, my childhood but more powerfully about me, as a mother with a camera. I don't just photograph what I see but what I feel, my love, my fear & our vulnerability and our life.

On the road with Collodion

2011-05-08T07:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the good fortune of being invited to assist (in the loosest terms) Carl Radford and Alastair Cook with their big undertaking of photographing 20 members of the public using the Wet Plate Collodion Process. This wonderful venture took place in support of Alastair's breathtaking exhibition 'Analogue Decay' held at Howden Park Centre.

So, on Friday I packed me and the family up and headed for Edinburgh. I take my family everywhere. On Saturday morning my husband took the kids to the Camera Obscura and I headed off with Alastair (along with lovely Heather) to meet Carl.

After setting up, we met our first lady. Such a lovely lady, who seemed intrigued if a little nervous about having her portrait done. However, she loved it. In fact I think the overall response was wonderful. The thing with Wet Plate is that it isn't always the most flattering when it comes to portraits (as opposed to touched up digital images) but the magic of the process and the ethereal, haunting feel that one sees allows you to abandon vanity. It was wonderful to see the responses. It was interesting how so many people said that they were looking at their mother or another ancestor .. they weren't looking at themselves at all.

As for my role, well I washed a few plates really ... not much help but it was so good to be there. So good to be amongst wonderfully talented and supportive people. Talking of which I also had the pleasure of meeting photographer Jenny Wick & her beautiful family & look forward to meeting them again.

So all in all a great day. It's days like yesterday that made me so happy that I chose to do the wet plate course last year. Not only has it allowed me to work with a beautiful process, it has also introduced me to some great people too.

End of the Easter Holidays

2011-04-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

So the Easter holidays are drawing to a close. I can't believe how wonderful it has been, in weather, creativity, family, fun. For me I knew it was a chance to finally do some portraits using the wet plate collodion process. I thought I would try and get a few of my children and husband, but thanks to wonderful friends I also got a chance to photograph other children. It was really good fun. With the sun shining, the music on (or as in yesterday a bit cloudy with the wedding on:)), pizzas, carrot cake, lots of tea and the very strong smell of collodion in the air each child sat as perfectly still as possible for a portrait. What made me laugh was how all the children started off by really smiling in front of the camera (I never once told them they couldn't) and by the time we were ready to press the shutter for 1, 2, 3, 4, even 5 seconds they seemed to drift off, concentrate hard and go somewhere .. not sure where.

So here are a few more portraits. A few of my children, including my son sunbathing, and my daughter's homage to the Royal Wedding. We also have my friends daughter (with the glasses). This portrait is an amazing achievement .. (not compositionally I admit, but not always easy to get children to stay in one place) but the fact that she has point blank refused to have her photograph taken by anyone for years. When she came here the first thing she said was 'I am not having my photograph taken' lol. However, after seeing her brothers and sisters do it the first time around, she came back, I asked her, she said 'yes'. You should have seen her face, it was beaming (until I clicked the shutter). She did so well, the sun was in her eyes (hence the glasses) and with head leaning against the wall she stood very still. I am so happy to have this portrait, she is such a beautiful child, so funny .. can't wait to do more.

And finally, the first portrait here again is another friend of mine's daughter. She is absolutely beautiful. She has such a gentle soul. Yesterday was really cloudy and exposure time longer. I believe that she would have sat still for minutes, hours even .. the flowers were courtesy of my daughter .. I think there will be a lot of flowers in my portraits :) Again, I hope to do more, her angelic face was made for this beautiful process.

Anyway, I want to thank all these wonderful, beautiful children for helping me these past couple of weeks. People say never work with animals and kids, I disagree, I love it and I believe the wet plate collodion process was made for them.

Published in Ag Magazine

2011-04-27T06:56:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to share some good news with you. I have had my 'September is the Cruellest Month' series published in Ag Magazine. I cannot express deeply enough how honoured and flattered I am to have my work in such a beautiful and inspirational magazine. It is a magazine that I have subscribed to for a while and never imagined I would be in it, let alone on the front cover. I would like to thank the editor Chris Dickie for this wonderful opportunity. If you get a chance to get hold of a copy either in the shops or through online subscription I am sure you won't be disappointed .. there are lots of wonderful articles in it. :)

collodion portraits

2011-04-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

As you may know I have been desperate to do some portraits with the wet plate collodion process. I have just had to be patient and wait for some good U.V and finally we got it. The timing couldn't have been better with the Easter holidays here and some beautiful children to photograph. So here they are, a few examples of what have been doing over the past few days. I decided to take my darkroom away from my studio for a few days and put it up in my dining room so that I could do a few portraits in my back yard. There still isn't enough light in my studio but that problem is now solved with lights (which I am yet to use and experiment with).

I think you always feel nervous when embarking on a new project. You worry that your work might be weaker than your last project/image. I worried that I wouldn't do justice to this beautiful process.

As you know I have practiced for weeks on still life and now I was doing it with children. I thought it would be really difficult but it wasn't .. they were wonderful, fascinated by the process, loved the magic of it I suppose. They seemed so natural and knew how they wanted to be.

I am always amazed by what my camera comes out with. I am not always conscious of what I am seeing .. you are busy thinking, talking etc and then in that split second (or seconds) it can fall in to place (it can fall apart too of course) and when it does it is one of the best feelings in the world. I think what I really love with this process is that it almost 'studies' the child. They sit still for a few seconds, they concentrate on something, they lose themselves for a few moments and the camera captures and holds that thought, that moment. It was funny that I had to say to them when finished, "you can move now" or "you can go now", they just sat there, pensive and lost.

September is the Cruellest Month 2011

2011-04-11T10:14:00.001-07:00

So another year is beginning, which sounds strange to be saying that when it's already April. However, it is a year on since I began my series 'September is the Cruellest Month', when I was just learning the ups and downs of photographing kids with a large format camera. It was a year ago when (because of working with Large Format) I sat and examined and explored my children's childhood and how it was unfolding, changing and growing right in front of me.

So we open up our caravan again and we go to the beach. Fleur decides that she really, really needs a flower crown and pushchair to go rock pooling .. and as always we go with her flow. So we scramble down the cliff and they start to look for things, Fleur plays mummy's and babies instead. Not much luck with the rock pool - a little cold. So I take this picture of Fleur and I take one of Abe with our dog, which is underexposed and overdeveloped. So we pack up and go home. I write in my journal .. not much has changed since last year, they are just a bit bigger.

How wrong was I?

The following week I tell Abe about the image 'CatBell's' and how it had sold and raised money for Japan. I thought he would be pleased but he seemed sad, almost jealous .. it was because it was of Fleur and is the most popular image I have (from this series). He was also angry with me because he felt that I had taken more pictures of Fleur and said he wanted more of himself. I felt so guilty. I have taken more of Fleur, but usually because they have gone wrong and I have published more of her .. I am guilty of that. But I have loads of Abe, they are just more personal and I don't share them so much .. I suppose they are more family than 'art' (hoping not to sound too pretentious) .. also, he didn't always want to be in them .. CatBells for example he was busy flying a kite. So we went to the beach, determined to get a photograph. If I am honest it was painful. I was trying and he was trying so hard to get that 'Shot' but to start with it didn't happen .. he was telling me what to do, how he wanted to be . .. it was forced and strained ... I wanted to please him .. it was a surreal situation. And then at the end I got the shot with the mask .. by this time we were both fed up. I was desperate to please him, he was desperate to please me and we pleased no one and hence this last image summed up the day perfectly. However, I didn't notice it until the following day when I scanned it. I didn't see his emotion because I was too wrapped in mine I suppose.

So to say that nothing had changed from last year, I was wrong. I think I have a whole new lot of emotion to deal with this year. My son is growing up and that is difficult. I wonder as I photograph this year I will miss last year. I know we should all live in the moment, but I think as photographers we instinctively hold onto the past too.

The Whispering Game

2011-04-07T06:44:00.000-07:00

I often play a game in my head in which I go back to the past and whisper in my ear something that is happening now, the present, what then was the future. For example when I started doing the wet plate photography I visualised myself standing in front of Julia Margaret Cameron's work at the exhibition I went to see at the National Portrait Gallery around 2002. I whisper 'In a few years time you will be doing this' and I like to think of the reaction .. which undoubtedly would have been, don't be ridiculous, I am a teacher not a photographer.

So as I sit here, sitting next to this beautiful handmade book by Colin Pantall I am back in the darkroom at University when I first hear his name. The finalists of the Taylor Wessing had been announced & in it was a portrait of Colin's daughter. Some students were talking about the exhibition and one shouts across to me, 'You like taking photos of your kids don't you?' To which I replied 'yes'. "Then I think you will like the one with the kids smelling the flower" (I do love students :)) So I went on the National Portrait Gallery site and there was Colin's portrait of Isabel. Then shortly after I went to see the exhibition at the Laing, Newcastle. I still remember the image, and how I loved it and how I loved these sofa portraits. I loved their honesty. There was something I could relate to both as a child and as a parent. So I am now whispering to myself in that darkroom 'You and Colin will in fact make your own handmade books and swap them' and how would I have replied. 'Never in a million years, he is far too big and famous to deal with me, and besides I don't make books'. How wrong I would have been (Colin is far too nice). So thank you so much Colin and Isabel for this wonderful gift, I will treasure it forever.

Life Support Japan - photographic art auction

2011-03-29T09:21:00.001-07:00

I have donated my image 'Catbells' to the Life Support Japan that was set up by Aline Smithson and Crista Dix of Wall Space Gallery after the tragic events in Japan on March 11 2011.

The auction has had an overwhelming response with hundreds of photographers donating work, so my contribution is just a small chink in the chain. However, if you would like to help and own some beautiful, limited edition art then please, please pop along. Incidentally I am not talking about mine :)

If you did want to buy mine then there are 4 left as I write this. It is a limited edition of 10 on silver gelatin paper. The paper size is 8x10 and the image size is approximately 5x7, slightly larger than the edition of 25 I am selling (which is at it's original size).

Thanking you all in advance xx

collodion journey pt 2

2011-03-28T02:05:00.000-07:00

When I look at these simple little (they are 4x5 inches) images I look and think, 'you would never know the work that I have done to get these'. I started on my collodion journey again just over two weeks ago and to say the least there have been many highs and lows. It's funny how working with chemicals can really get those butterflies in you tummy going (anticipation and the unknown I guess). I will be honest and say that when I was in my studio I was thinking of things that I could do just to make an excuse not to do wet plates. This sounds mad I know. It isn't because I don't love it, I just felt unsure about what I was doing and was scared of making a complete fool of myself (to myself). So for a couple of days I started making another book. I emailed Carl to ask if my chemicals would be off by now (looking for another excuse) and he told me to phone him - so I did. And, I am so pleased I did. He completely rationalised the process, told me what to do, and to go and do it .. make lots of mistakes along the way, keep going and learn. I felt so much better. So the next day I put my gloves on, poured the silver into it's black box and got to work. I am working with still life at the moment .. mainly due to exposure time, light etc and also it's a great way to learn the craft, without the worry of sitters, you can make all the mistakes you need and boy did I make mistakes. So I had a couple of good days. I did some tulips and then I did an Angel/Fairy which I was quite happy with. So without thinking I moved onto the sunflower. Wow! Big mistake. To get any kind of detail in the big black blobby bit was nearly impossible. My exposures were incredibly long, so long that I ended up pulling up a chair :) And for some bizarre reason, I kept trying .. FOR TWO DAYS. I don't know why, until I got the one you can see here .. and still it is not right. Thankfully, the wet plate collodion community is a wonderfully supportive one. I had a good giggle with my friend and fellow wet plate photographer Jacqueline Roberts about our exploits (always good to laugh) and yet another chat with Carl who gave me yet more advise. So the next day I went back to white tulips and white roses and just enjoyed watching this beautiful process unfold. I can't tell you how lucky I am feeling at this moment. I am loving what I do. I can't wait to do some portraits with this process, people are really my thing.

And finally, yesterday I got out with my camera to continue my September is the Cruellest Month project .. it is so good to be peeling apart that film and interacting with my kids behind the camera again .. so all in all, creatively life is good .. I hope it is for you too :)

A Room of One's Own

2011-03-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

I have just been given a real gift, 'A Room of One's Own.' And if Virginia Woolf is correct, in that we need it in order to write, or as in this case, create art then I am more blessed than I had ever dreamed of. And for me, I think I did need a room of my own. I needed a space in which I wasn't thinking of the washing and ironing or running the hoover over the carpets instead of going in the darkroom. At home I can be disciplined if I have a deadline but otherwise I let life wash over me. Now, I do know that to have a studio is a luxury that we don't all have .. I did try to work with my husband in his office .. but it just didn't work out as his hours get longer and longer. I do have a shed, which is full to bursting with bikes etc and the yard is so small that there is no way a second shed could be put up.

Anyway, I have had my first two weeks up at the studio and so far if I am honest it has been a bit of a roller coster ride of emotions. The first day was the opening in which I had my work displayed and people would come in a chat about my work with me .. on the whole it went great although I know I am going to have to develop a thicker skin as there were a few that didn't really like my 'September' series, calling it dark and depressing .. but that's fine, it's all subjective and at least it caused a reaction in them. The following week was like going to work in the sense of getting the school run done and jumping in the car to be somewhere .. it was really strange. After years of being at home I had lost a little bit of confidence. And the first few days I tried some paper negs, which were a disaster. Then by the end of the week I knew I needed to make some wet plates. Saying this out loud sounds ridiculous but I was really nervous. I hadn't done any in months and really couldn't face anymore set backs that week, knowing you are paying for a space sort of adds to the pressure of performance. As a family we have put things off so that I can have this studio and I just couldn't help but to start feeling guilty. However, I phoned my friend and mentor Carl Radford, who has a wonderful way of rationalising the process and so the next day I went and made some plates, in my studio, I was engrossed and before I knew it I was rushing to the car to go and pick up the kids from school. So I think it is going to be a challenge .. but in a good way. It's a beautiful studio and I know I am so lucky and I am going to really do my best to make it work .. for me, my husband and my children. Anyway, I had better go and do the school run now.

Baby Steps

2011-02-18T02:21:00.000-08:00

It's funny how the creative journey runs, or walks in some cases. After the high of being on Lenscratch and Inside Analog Photo things went very quiet. The children had gone back to school, the weather was awful and I felt like I hadn't taken a decent shot for such a long time. My wet plate journey had stopped completely, my darkroom days seemed numbered as my husband works longer and longer hours. This isn't good for me as I am the sort of person who feels the need to keep going and not stopping. So I got myself a bookbinding set of instructions and started teaching myself .. falling at every hurdle (I was pathetic). So for a day or so I felt sorry for myself. Then I heard someone on the radio say it isn't always about taking big strides to get where you want to be but to make sure you continue to take baby steps whatever. It's so funny how things start to happen in ways you don't expect. I wrote a piece for Colin Pantall when he asked the question 'what makes a project successful?', this in turn led to a conversation which in turn has led to us doing a book swap of our work (he makes his own books too) .. this was a great incentive for me to not give up. So my book is done and will be posted today. I also put out a tweet for a studio .. they are like gold dust here .. & yet, I got one, an absolutely amazing studio in the wilds of Northumberland. I will be part of a local group of artists, I can have my darkroom and I can do my wet plates again. And finally, Fuzion Magazine was launched and my work was featured. I also have a few more things on the go and have never been so busy. So that is my news. Please tell me yours, I love to hear . So I suppose the moral of my story is to keep taking those baby steps .. nothing more pleasing to myself than when I am producing work and meeting other artists whether in life or on the internet :)

I should just add that the first five images are Fuzion Magazine and the others are of my handmade book.

Why we do it ..

2011-02-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

I have just emailed someone (Colin Pantall) who asked the question 'What makes a successful project?' I love questions like this as it really makes me think about why I am doing this. He asks:

"It might be financial, or how many people see the picture, or the effect it has on those who see it, or new audiences it reaches, or emotional, or how your family see it, or how you see it, or be due to some tangible or intangible aesthetic critieria. It could be something completely different."

My response was that my idea of success was based upon reaching as wide an audience as possible, for the audience to engage in my work emotionally and for it to have some kind of meaning in their life as well as mine. Ask if I would like to make money, then yes, of course but it is not what drives me. In fact I make a lousy business woman and if I don't give away prints I end up underselling and covering costs. I never think of the time I take, as I love it so much. I think, if I am brutally honest I would say that the audience is really the most important to me .. I would like to see my work in galleries, in print (my own hand-made bood possibly ?) on the internet, on blogs, in journals anything that reaches an audience I suppose.

However, the most important reason I do this is my need to do it, particularly my emotional need. Something would be missing so deep in me if I didn't do it. It has been cathartic and nourishing. It identifies me. I also think it takes my relationships even deeper with my family ... my children and I have have a strong connection .. we would without photography, but photography I believe really strengthens it even more. So, if the audience disappeared tomorrow would I still be doing this? Of course I would.

Anyway, these images are just my work in progress, the behind the scenes. After months of experimentation of different papers, different sizes, workshops and many other mad ideas I think (and notice the think) I finally have a way of presenting my work. The first image is my latest one. Others include the polaroid reprint of Catbells, the image size is 4x5 and is printed on 8x10 silver gelatin paper. Other images include the printing and mounting of some of my work from my 'memory' series and my first attempt at bookbinding (a project I hope to further) and the chaos I work in. I am constantly exploring the best way to present my work in order for people to see it .. it isn't easy.

Finally, I have some good news. My work has been published in Fuzion Magazine which also features the beautiful wet plates of Carl Radford. So I suppose my quest for an audience is slowly happening :)

I would love to hear what motivates you and what makes a project successful for you.

bookbinding

2011-01-24T03:14:00.000-08:00

For me taking the picture, being inspired to do photography is relatively easy. However, the presentation of my work is much more challenging. Over the past few months I have been trying to find ways of reproducing the Fuji's I work with. They are instant 4x5 film which do not have a negative. I am nearing my decision on the right paper, which is looking very likely to be Ilford's silver gelatin .. it has the best tones but it will mean that I will not be able to reproduce it exactly as the original which has a blue border and not white like it is shown here, to do that I need to do c-type .. the jury is still out on this.

Anyway, another way of presenting my work I feel is to put in a book. This time I wanted to do something very personal. So this weekend I finished making my first book. Now, I shouldn't get too excited as it is only a little notebook .. part of a beginners kit. But, nonetheless, I am so happy with it and wanted to share it. (Please ignore the colour of cloth, paper etc, I didn't choose them and on top of this these images are taken on an iphone.) I want to present my photo book like these images show. Each photograph will be place on the page using old fashioned corners, just like the old Victorian photograph albums. Alongside each image I will write something about it .. usually my thoughts on the day taken from my own personal journal. Of course this is just a rough idea. I still have a way to go to perfect the art of bookbinding, but finally I feel I have found a way of showing my work. My work is personal and intimate and that is how I want it to feel to others.

So the idea is to make the book, reproduce the image on good quality silver paper, write a piece about the work and bring it altogether. I am very excited and now I am going to the suppliers to order more supplies .. this time getting to choose the paper, it's size and the covering. Oh, please don't be too harsh on my first attempt .. I know it is far from perfect :)

2011-01-19T01:19:00.000-08:00

If you had met me in my 20's you would hear me say 'I never want kids'. When my friends around me were having children I would always visit and leave, feeling relieved that it wasn't me. I wanted to travel, have a career, have my freedom. I was happily married and I think subconsciously I didn't want anything changing that.

Obviously I did change my mind. I look back and the life I had couldn't be more removed from the one I have now. And for someone who never wanted children I cannot believe how utterly devoted and unconditional my love is for my children.

I think though if there is one thing I didn't realise about being a mother is how contemplative it has made me and how at times the love you feel is quite painful. You are constantly watching them, protecting them, fearing for them. I watch them go off to school, I watch them come out, I watch them form friendships and watch them face disappointment. Several years ago we had a holiday in Portugal (Fleur was only 6 weeks old, Abe was nearly 4) and in the middle of the night an intruder came in .. I woke up and we chased him off. The children were in with us, they always are. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. They slept through it thankfully. I don't sleep well, I am always watching out for them. So when I see them sleeping peacefully like this I have a mixture of joy and love at their beauty and innocence mixed with a protective layer of love thinking of their vulnerability. I took these images last week when Fleur slept on our sofa. My husband was out with my son and she doesn't like to be upstairs on her own, so we let her sleep downstairs where she feels happy. I couldn't resist getting the camera out. I can't believe she slept through it. A large format camera thrust in front of her, the clunking of the shutter and the rustling of me going in and out of the camera hood. But as you can see, she is well away in her own world having sweet dreams I hope.

setting the scene

2011-01-10T04:25:00.000-08:00

There is a place that I have known for years. A place that I drive past on my way to the Lake District but until last week I have never stopped. It is on the moors, on the North Pennines, a stark, beautifully eerie place. It has a large chimney that I believe was used for smelting iron, there is a farm about a mile away and then nothing. Endless moorland with a road cutting through it joining up the villages. It is bleak and haunting and the wind never seems to cease.

We first decided to go there only last week. I have wanted to get a picture of my children in something that is closer to home. I have wanted to show you the world we live in. I live a very ordinary life but an extraordinary too.

So we arrive. We park at the side of the road and we walk for 5 minutes with camera and dog. I have never felt such a biting wind. Fleur is standing on a small hill by the chimney, Abe is running around with Daisy and smashing ice which really does sound like breaking glass. The sky is a steely grey, the wind echoes and I can feel discontent seeping in with everyone. I say, I will only take one shot, my husband (who usually says 'take your time') says 'good'. I do take the one shot and we pack up and go home.

So yesterday, it is warmer. I decided to go around three in the afternoon as I didn't want the sun, I wanted the same feel as I got last week, but not so cold. It was 2 degrees, it had been snowing but it was so much warmer. Until we arrived at the chimney. We trekked through snow with not only the camera, tripod etc, but Fleur wanted to take her dolls pram .. and being us we said ok. I was desperate to get a picture of Abe, so he put on his new mask, arms crossed and I took the first shot. I took my gloves off, my fingers froze and I couldn't pull the film out, I ended up destroying it. I could feel the sighs although silent in the wind. 'Just one more Abe really sorry.' The wind is unbelievable at this point. I put my head under the dark cloth, it is sticking to my face with the wind, I can't really see. My husband is on standby to pull out the film as my fingers can't move. I take this shot. I have underexposed and possibly over developed but I have to be happy. I have to accept that I need to pack up and go home. Fleur is so cold, Abe is so cold, we all are. Fleur wants a picture of her with her pram, 'next time' I say, she doesn't argue.

The weird thing is none of us are unhappy. In a strange kind of way we enjoy ourselves. We come home and I make them hot chocolate and put the fire on and we are happy. I love this place. I am determined to get the image I want, really want. Although I can't help feeling that these images are about how I am feeling when I am there as much as what I am seeing.

Photography worth

2011-01-07T06:25:00.000-08:00

Just before Christmas I had an email from the gallery asking me to collect my work as they felt it wasn't conservative enough for their customers. I didn't mind at all, I think they probably had a point (I have now been replaced by a picture of a cream cracker). And in fairness, I am grateful that the gallery invited me in the first place. It was also interesting to know that they felt that there isn't a market for photography as art (in general) and I suppose mine in particular. Again I am not worried by this, I think this is quite a trend in the UK but see that the U.S isn't so worried, they seem to appreciate photography as art.

I can see why, when people walked into the art gallery that they felt they would rather buy a painting (even if it was a digital reprint), I mean I understand the psychology. You see a photograph and with everyone having a digital camera nowadays, everyone feels that they can do their own pictures and don't feel the need to buy (although I know that Landscape is very popular where I live) and with a painting they see a 'talent' and maybe years of training, and something they can't do themselves.

Anyway, this got me thinking about my work. At this moment in time I am busy trying to reproduce my Fuji instant film positives (they have no negative). You would think it would be easy. I could do a straight forward digital print from a scan. I have done that, not happy. So I decided I wanted people to get a real sense of the original, so I went on two workshops in order to recreate them.

On my first workshop I learnt to make the fuji positive into a digital negative and then we tried to print them in the darkroom, although it wasn't bad, it wasn't good enough, too flat. So the next workshop we decided to scan the image and make a digital print, this time using techniques that made it look like the three dimensional object that it is, it looked great if it was scanned at the original size and placed onto A3 paper. The next experiment was to again print it digitally and then cut it out and tear, so it really did look as close to the original as possible (paper permitting, and still experimenting with this). Writing this down makes it all sound so easy and straightforward, it wasn't. I am still thinking on the best way possible to reproduce the work so people can have copies. I like the last idea .. with the paper left on (not cropped like my on my website, although others prefer that more uniformed look) just like it was when I tore it from the camera. I like it small (original size) 4x5 inches, mounted on large paper .. it's like a little snapshot of life, a private world. So as you can see, a lot of thought is going into this. My room is chaotic with prints at the moment, digital and darkroom trying to get the best I can. I now know how I want it to look, I just have to find the right paper (have just ordered c-type and Ilford silver gelatin prints, so fingers crossed).

List of images: (please ignore quality, quickly taken, with no thought :))

1 box of originals

2 copy of original, with paper tear etc ..

3 copy of original

4 straight forward print .. no 3d appearance, large on A3 paper (don't really like this, doesn't feel authentic or personal)

5 original and darkroom copy from digital negative .. tones were too flat in real life for me compared to original

6 copy of original mounted on A3 paper (but will be mount board)

I suppose what I am trying to say is that although we all have cameras now, not everyone thinks or sees the same. We can make unique art with our cameras and we can still do personal work that we are very hands on with. From taking it on a large format camera right through to the reproduction of the image, it is all done with love and passion. I don't just want people to like the picture, I want them to feel it too when the see it and hold it. Finally, I have just ordered a book making kit, and if that works out I am going to put these into a book .. it will really be a labour of love and that is why I do it.

community spirit

2011-01-04T02:08:00.000-08:00

I was recently featured on Aline Smithson's Lenscratch and since then I have had a wonderful response to my work from photographers I have never met. However, it isn't really the response I want to talk about but the generosity of people who are all part of this world wide online photographic community. When I left university I was very much on my own (artistically speaking). I had absolutely no-one to share my work, my ideas .. anyone to offer constructive criticism. We do have a local camera club but it is not really something that is suitable for my needs. So I joined some online photography/art sites and Facebook and started blogging and things just grew from there. At first I had quite a lot of criticism about my work, about the use of my children. And at first I didn't take it very well .. however the support from others far outweighed the negativity and I have hardened a little.

I know that I love doing what I do but I am also very aware that it is made much more worthwhile by the amazing online photographic community. I am talking about those who comment, write blogs and online magazine .. those who dedicate hours (such as Aline Smithson, David Bram, Andy Adams, Elizabeth Avedon, Frans Peter Verheyen) promoting other photographers and sharing their work. All this is done not for money but for the sheer love of photography .. and for that I am so grateful.

I hope I give as much as I take .. I love to see others work, it constantly inspires me. I have met amazing photographers in the 'real world' because of this online community and feel that I know others even though we have never met. Photography is a competitive world but it is also a very fulfilling one full of wonderful people. Anyway, this is just may way of saying thanks to each and every one of you that are helping me on my photographic journey.

This image incidentally, is my first of the year. I took it yesterday on what I can only describe as the coldest day ever. The snow may have gone but it has been replaced by the wind and rain ... it really was as bleak as the image suggests but I was desperate for that first shot of the year.

Happy New Year to everyone, I hope 2011 is an amazing one.

Happy New Year

2010-12-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

It has taken my nearly 40 years to find the peace that I have now. 2010 has been a wonderful year for me. I have found my passion, I have found something that fills that emptiness I felt. My family, my photography.

Thank you to everyone who has been part of my journey, I am sincerely grateful. I am ready for 2011 and I am excited. I am aware that these photographs are merely memories now .. gone forever but here and I am looking forward to recording more memories in 2011.

I wish you all the best for 2011. I hope it is an inspirational one, a creative one and one that you want it to be. xxx

2010-12-19T03:36:00.000-08:00

I can't believe the year is coming to an end. It has been a wonderful year on the whole, particularly creatively. I have found what I love to do. I look back at my work and see how much I have learnt and through this work how much of it has been cathartic and helped me to deal with issues that for far too long lived with me. I have come to realise what a beautiful life I have. I know I have challenges ahead of me .. my father is ill and this is something we are all going to face, and at the moment I am not sure how.

I feel humbled by the response I have had to my work .. although it feels personal it is wonderful to know that it is not just about me but others too. I have enjoyed the road travelled for large format photography and the challenges it has posed for me. I am still challenging myself and know that 2011 will be no different.

I think the highlights of 2011 for me was creating these images .. being published in SHOTS was an amazing and unexpected high. Also being 'Rabbit' being picked for the exhibition 'WIDE AWAKE DREAMING' and getting a solo exhibition for next year. The response to Catbells (first image) was breathtaking and finally being interviewed for inside analog photo .

I was booked to do this interview in the summer but completely forgot about it. The monday evening before the interview I got an email suggesting we did it this week. I got an email Wednesday morning to say we would do it that evening. I was terrified .. I hate using the phone let alone talk to a complete stranger over skype (which I had never used). I think my biggest fear was Fleur coming down asking for a drink of milk half way through. I begged my husband to be on his guard and not let anyone (including dog) disturb me. All in all it went well .. Scott Sheppard was lovely and really put me at ease and the kids left me alone :) Through this interview several people have emailed me which is fantastic as I am now inspired by new people too. If you get a chance to listen I would really appreciate it and whilst you are there check out others .. particularly the work of Suzanne Revy.

Finally, I just want to thanks all the wonderful people who have supported and encouraged my work here or elsewhere .. I have made many 'friends' through the internet and have met some of you too :) I wish you all a very Happy Christmas and hope 2011 is a fantastic year for you .. thank you from my heart xx

Large format, kids and snow

2010-12-07T01:15:00.000-08:00

I am starting to think that working with large format in the winter, with children is just too much like hard work. Well, that is what my head is telling me and yet my heart, which drives this obsession is telling me not to give up just yet. On Sunday we all went out again ... Fleur went out in her new Dalmatian costume and I thought what a perfect shot this would be .. a wonderful memory in the making. The snapshot where we look back and laugh at her eccentricity. So we tramp through the snow ... with dog and ball, camera, tripod and bag full of tupperware to carry prints. We find a beautiful spot where the kids are throwing snowballs and kicking a ball about for the dog .. who was going crazy. I take the first picture of Fleur (the middle one) and it is exposed well at the top and badly at the bottom (although according to meter only 1 stop out) .. anyway, I want to try again .. I get her in focused after changing position to somewhere not so bright. She needs the toilet .. 'please hang' on I say, we are nearly done .. so I rush, and I forget to shut the lens .. one film wasted. Still begging her to wait a bit longer .. not move, I take the picture. You can see she isn't happy with me. I always question myself at this point. I sometimes get so driven, so desperate for the shot that it is all I think about .. and then I feel guilty. I didn't get the shot I wanted .. I did one more, and still wasn't happy. So I pack up.

It's one thing in the summer or warmer weather to shout the kids over and ask them to stand still .. in these conditions I am asking a lot more of them.

So we packed up and went home .. all of us a bit grumpy. I behaved like a sulky, frustrated artist .. and knew it. I can laugh now but at the time I just kept thinking .. "Why am I doing this?"

I was asked recently why I am doing Large Format when my work with a 35mm or medium format camera was just as good (and in one person's view better). I asked myself this on Sunday. I don't have a logical answer but I do know that I love it. I suppose the other mediums allow me to photograph what I see whereas large format allows me to photograph what I feel too.

snow, snow, snow

2010-11-29T01:29:00.001-08:00

We have had loads of snow, which was totally unexpected and for now, a nice surprise. So like all photographers I was itching to get out with my camera. This was my first experience out and about with my large format camera in the snow. On Saturday I decided to go out late afternoon .. my kids were already out sledging with their dad and I was meeting them at the park. So I slowly walked down the hill with camera, tripod, film, holder, light meter and a bag full of tupperware boxes (to put the film in when shot). So I set up camera (in a quiet part of the park) and shot some film .. self-consciously aware of onlookers. The film was totally over-exposed and I was left with an almost totally white image. So changed exposure for the second one, the same. It dawned on me that maybe the development needed longer .. so another one and again better but not good enough. I decided to leave it and go home and investigate. So the next day I went to my local woods and let the film develop for 2 and a half minutes as opposed to the 30 or 40 seconds (due to temp) .. and thank goodness I got a result.

Here are the three images I took as well as a little glimpse of me behind the scenes.

One thing I have to say. Large Format photography in snow is not as much fun as I thought it would be. I couldn't operate a thing with my gloves on, so took them off and my hands froze within the minute. As I tried to pull out the film from the holder the paper snapped and the film got stuck and my hands were too cold to grip it. On top of that had to work extra fast as it was too cold for the kids to stand still for a long period. However, saying that, I shall be back out again later, looking for that image that makes me proud :) Finally, if you are wondering why Fleur's eyes are closed, it it because she wants them closed .. every image she insists, including her school photograph.

Photographing the Family

2010-11-27T04:38:00.001-08:00

I think all photographers/artists suffer with moments of self-doubt. I certainly do. I think when you are photographing family you definitely wonder why or who would be interested in your work. So my week begins. However, two events this week confirmed the importance of family photography as an art form and photography that is worthy of being seen by others in books, magazines, galleries, blogs etc.

I recently came across Aline Smithson's Lenscratch blog and through this became part of her online exhibition on Family http://lenscratch.blogspot.com/2010/11/family.html . What a wonderful array of interpretations of family life, it was fascinating. What was equally fascinating was how similar we all are and yet how different .. family photography is incredibly rich and interesting.

Anyway, yesterday I had a meeting with a gallery in my area. I was so nervous. I worked hard all week printing and preparing and researching. On the Thursday night I was having a conversation with my husband about how to present my work, how do I describe it? I had been so worried that it would just be written off as snapshots of my kids. But, reading Aline's essay on about photographing family http://toomuchchocolate.org/?p=1503 I realised just how important it was and that I didn't need to justify what I was doing. So I went armed with with my reasons for why I felt family photography was important and why mine was too. However, I didn't need to worry. The curator of the gallery was wonderful. She was encouraging and put me at ease straight away. I took along some of the original Fuji's in box so that she could see them first hand. She liked them and liked the way they were curling up at the edges and imperfect. Also, she liked the way that I wanted to print them, she agreed that they were important as objects as well as images .. they are part of my family photograph album. It was wonderful to share my vision of how I want my work to look and for them to agree with this vision. So to cut a long story short, I have got my first solo exhibition. I am so excited. My family 'snapshots' are going to be seen in a public space, a small, intimate public space, late next year, which feels perfect.

Turning on the Christmas lights

2010-11-22T02:32:00.000-08:00

This week it will be a year ago that I left university. I had been struggling with it for some time, not academically or photographically but personally. It was all consuming and time consuming and was have an affect on family life, in particular my daughter. I had been thinking of leaving for some time, but to be honest was scared too. I have always worked or studied and have never been in a position of having nothing to strive for. So many signs were telling me to leave but I think the final straw was a simple yet profound one. It was the evening of turning on the Christmas lights. I had been at university all day .. it was a good one and a half hours drive away .. I was due to meet my husband and children in the park to see the lights go on .. I got stuck in traffic, despite leaving on time, and I missed it, only just, but I missed it. I think I was more disappointed than the children. So the following Monday I told the university I was leaving and I remember that horrible sinking feeling of thinking 'what now?' I am now officially just a housewife and I will be honest it didn't sit comfortably with me .. I know that sounds awful and I felt awful for feeling this way. I live in a small town in the north of England, I have little in common artistically speaking with our local camera club and knew that I was on my own.

However, this wasn't to be true. The internet is an amazing place and through the internet I have had opportunities presented to me that would never have come if I had stayed at university. I started blogging, I signed up to Facebook and twitter and through all of this I met some wonderful, like-minded individuals. I have even met some of them in person. In the spring I bought myself a large format camera and some Fuji instant black and white film and many disasters later I started my project 'September is the Cruellest Month'. I have loved doing this project, it has been challenging yet so rewarding. I also embarked on the Wet-plate collodion course and met some wonderful people both in person and online because of it. I have had work published, exhibited, blogged about and I have received wonderful emails that keep me going. On top of that my children, my family are much happier. And I am much happier, both with family life and creatively. I thought that I would really regret leaving university but I don't. I think I am rather a free spirit who needs to find her own way .. and I am still flying. I would also like to add that I am truly grateful for all the wonderful support and encouragement people have given me over this past year .. each and every comment or email is really and truly appreciated.

work hard, have patience

2010-11-21T03:55:00.000-08:00

I went to Bradford on Friday to see the work of Julia Margaret Cameron and Anna Atkins and I was blown away by the craft and beauty of there work. I also saw a Daguerreotype of Cameron sitting with her daughter, which was so powerful, so moving. The body language of the two made me feel as if I was watching a very personal moment. Looking at these women's work really inspired me and made me think about what I was doing and where I was going. On top of that I am reading a book called 'Bounce. How Champions are Made' in which he claims that champions aren't born they are made. It is fascinating. To summarise he states that these people aren't necessarily naturally gifted but they are committed, determined and work harder than the others (and a lot more scientific data to back it up). Again this made me think of my work.

I suppose reading and seeing these things this week has made me think of how I want my work to be seen and how I have to achieve this.

After seeing Cameron's and Atkin's (her beautiful hand-crafted book) work I know I want my work to stand the test of time. I want my work to be seen as my legacy and I want it to feel like a labour of love and not output. And to achieve this? I need to work hard, well I do work hard, but I need to work harder. Also, I need patience (this is the hardest part). I have only been doing photography for a few years, I only started large format this spring and am steadily progressing. I still want to learn more about wet plate and feel I have a body of work hidden somewhere in me .. which is exciting. And when I am feeling impatient then I have to think of Sally Mann and her Immediate Family, as David Lee writes: Her patience evolving this body of work over so many years is exemplary, and a lesson to those photographers who seem too eager to publish and exhibit before a corpus has properly evolved.

So for the foreseeable future my mantra is going to be 'work hard and have patience'.

through the eyes of the parent who once was a child

2010-11-08T01:45:00.001-08:00

I have been spending some time lately writing about my work and as I do I find it reveals something about me every time. I was writing an artist statement for a magazine the other day trying to describe what my work is about, what my objective was. It is sometimes hard to articulate in a few paragraphs because it is more complex than it being just about childhood. As I was writing I found that these images say a lot about how I feel as a parent and how I view childhood in general.

I think the hardest part of being a parent is fear of failing them.

I was reading an interview with Julie Blackmon in an old SHOTS magazine (96) the other day and I feel she articulated it much better than me about how I see childhood or at least the state of 'play' in childhood.

But doing this series (Mind Games)was also sort of revealing about our culture and the direction it's going. When we were growing up, we had all this freedom to run around unattended throughout the neighborhood, and now it's almost like kids don't play outside anymore. Imaginative unstructured playtime is kind of hard to find.

This really hit me. It is something I feel intensely as I watch my children. I have mentioned it before when I have said children's lives in our culture is all about organised play. They are constantly told what to do and how to do it. They go to school, they go to after school clubs. They are very rarely free of adult intervention. I think childhood is a difficult place to be. I see the pressure my children are under from school .. my five year old has spelling tests and maths homework every week. She has to sit from 9-3 learning everyday and then is expected to do more work outside of school. It's worse for other children who go to some kind of after school club .. fun maybe, but organised and again they are told what to do and how to behave. I remember as a child being able to escape from the pressures of adult life .. I would be in the woods for hours making camps with my friends (maybe not at 5 years but definitely by the time I was 8). I would love to let my children do this .. but will I?

Even when my children go to play at some (not all) kids houses the parent is there painting with them, organising their play .. when they come to my house I say 'the toys are there, the crayons are over there .. go and enjoy', although that did backfire on me when my dog came down wearing red lipstick.

So getting back to my photography. My work is about picking up on those isolated moments which explore the child in the adult world and sometimes about those moments when they escape that and become a child in a child's world. But unlike my 'memory' series, 'September is the cruellest month' is about seeing it through the eyes of the parent who once was a child.

Flowers, books and chocolates

2010-11-05T02:28:00.001-07:00

I have finally (nearly finally:)) found a way to print my large format work (Fuji's black and white instant film) and ready to put it up for sale. I am very happy with the quality of the digital prints that I am making. I had hoped that I could make digital negatives and print in the darkroom but I just couldn't reproduce them well enough. I had a good chat with my friend and mentor Carl Radford which was very enlightening. Carl works with wet-plate collodion so I wrongly assumed he was a purist and would say that I should persevere with darkroom etc, but he didn't. He wisely said to me that what was important was the image .. 'it's all about the image' he said. He was so right.

So, I have been trying out different paper and have whittled it down to Hahnemuhle Photorag or Baryta fibre based which produce beautiful results. I also think I will be doing two sizes. One will be a small image of 5x4 ... the size of the original print. I am as yet to decide on the other. Then we get down to the difficult part. How do you value your work. I have had so much advice. Most people always say to me 'how do you value yourself?' Which is impossible to answer. I have been told that if I undervalue it then people won't take me seriously and if someone wants it bad enough they will pay for it. But maybe I need to be more realistic than that. I want people to buy my work not just so that I can buy more things but because they do love it ... that when they look at it they get a nice feeling .. the same feeling that I get when I look at the Julia Margaret Cameron's hanging on my wall or the portrait of Virginia Woolf hanging in my bedroom. I never get bored of looking at them .. and all of them were affordable .. otherwise they wouldn't be mine. I suppose I will never make a good business woman.

How do you price something you love doing, that you live for?

Someone I know locally wanted to buy a print of 'Rabbit'. She offered to pay but I couldn't take the money. So she went out bought me flowers, a photography book and gave me money to cover costs .. and I thought how beautiful .. what a beautiful way to pay. But then that's the romantic in me I suppose.

Anyway, the point of this blog is to say that very soon I shall be putting my work up for sale on my website. And I want everyone to know that my work is a work of love and yet I work hard ... as someone emailed me yesterday said 'you large format photographers are a dedicated bunch'.

If you have any advice or stories about how you sell your work I would love to hear them.

personalities

2010-10-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here writing this early evening of Halloween. It is dark now and the pumpkins are glowing. In between writing this I am being constantly interrupted by trick or treaters. But I wanted to write a very short blog about the many personalities within a family. At this moment in time my husband is walking the streets with my very over-excited 5 year old daughter, dressed up as a witches cat. Upstairs, hiding away is my son .. who refuses to take part .. the skeleton top is as far as he wants to go for a party with friends (last night). Tonight we had tears because he wants to take part but something inside scars him .. we have no idea what or why. We have told him he doesn't have to take part .. it doesn't matter .. we are all different but that doesn't sit comfortably with him. So I have told him that I need him that I need him to look after the dog .. stop her running out every time I open the door. It makes him feel better. How different they are ... how different we all are.

Romantic Childhood?

2010-10-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

When I am not taking photographs of or about childhood I am reading books about it. At the moment I am reading a fascinating book by Anne Higonnet called "Pictures of Innocence. The History and Crisis of Ideal Childhood". In it she states:

"Many people have noticed how radically the image of childhood is changing, but this change is virtually always understood as a distortion or even perversion of a true, natural childhood."

This really got me thinking. What was a 'true, natural childhood'? I suppose in image terms it is about the running through the cornfields, the blowing out the birthday candles .. but that is only part of it. Why do we need to romanticize childhood? We don't romanticize our adulthood, so why should childhood be different? I have been thinking about this a lot. Childhood is important .. it is what helps to shape us into the adults, the individual that we become. It is our foundation. But we must not lie to ourselves. We have to embrace it all. Did any of us have a 'romantic' childhood? I doubt it. We may not have the photographs to disprove or prove it but we have our memories.

I think this question is important to me for two reasons. One because I have been criticized for showing a 'negative' side of childhood. Secondly, and more importantly I have witnessed this side of childhood this week myself. I have been told by my doctor that my little girl is suffering stress at school. I won't go into detail but when you hear your five year old is stressed (because of the outside influences beyond our control, c) you know that there is no 'romantic' vision of childhood. I look at my daughter, who is bright and clever and beautiful and yet she gets butterflies in her tummy as she is constantly tested at school. They live the same as adults with life's ups and down .. although felt more acutely I feel.

2010-10-14T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have had an interesting week regarding my photography and peoples responses to it. I have been told that my work is depressing and asked why I put my children in such dark places. Someone even said that they loved my work yet there was too much pain, too much of the abused child. 'Abused', such a strong word. So as usual it got me thinking about my work and I had conversations with others and it was really interesting to see what they said. Most people agreed that what these people had seen was something in themselves that may or may not be implied in my work. Of course these images are about me, they are about my children but they are about anyone. I hope my work is multifaceted .. that you can derive your own experience and emotion from them.

I would agree with some that say my work doesn't show the 'happy' side of childhood. I suppose I do that consciously. We all have pictures in our family albums and I bet most of our family albums are the same. We are smiling as we blow out the birthday candles, unwrapping Xmas presents, going to a party, a family meet up. My work is about filling in the missing gaps of these family albums.

I think in general we have a romantic ideal of what childhood is like or should be like and yet most people have some kind of childhood that goes beyond the family snap. This body of work is about identifying that. Childhood can be lonely, it can be dark. I suppose all the while I am photographing children that are not smiling on queue for the camera I will get criticised. I think Anne Higonnet sums up childhood photography perfectly when she says:

Pictures of children are at once the most common, the most sacred, and the most controversial images of our time. They guard the cherished ideal of childhood innocence, yet they contain within them the potential to undo that ideal.

I certainly don't set out to be controversial but I do try and be honest. Not about the image but about how I feel. People think photography is simple. That is about recording a moment in history. But it is more than that. These images are both real and fantasy. They will be whatever you want them to be. What you read into them, what I may want you to read into them will most likely not be the truth of that moment .. although some of them may be. Take this image, does anyone really believe that I am photographing my child as she sits huddled in the doorway crying? This image was about the light, I wanted Fleur to stand in the doorway when I saw the light, she refused to stand and sat down, the sun in her eyes .. she is fed up. When I peeled this image apart I felt sick. Something about it reminded me of my childhood .. so personal. I told my husband I didn't want to post it as it was too personal .. he convinced me otherwise. So like I say, both fact and fiction. I think my friend Sara summed up this image beautifully.

Such a way you have, capturing what feels like a dream and a memory and a living breathing moment, all at once.

Because that is exactly what it is.

self portrait

2010-10-07T02:49:00.000-07:00

I have a deep admiration for those photographers that do self portraits. Being in front of the camera is something that I am extremely uncomfortable with, I feel too exposed for scrutiny. However, the more I look at my latest project the more I am seeing myself in the images, in the portraits. My 'memory' series I felt safe that they were recreations of memories I had as a child .. deliberately constructed that way. Whereas 'September ..' was about my children and our summer holiday. Or at least it was consciously but maybe something different subconsciously. The more I look at these images I see something of myself in them. I see the over-sensitivity in his eyes and I see the faceless child that hides away. Even the rabbit image .. this is something I would have never done, wear a mask with such ease, like the ballet shows that my sister did so beautifully. I was far too shy and clumsy but deep down would have liked to have been this way. So these images are multifaceted for me. They are the love I feel for my children and they are a small revelation about myself. I think the artist/photographer Christian Boltanski sums it up: we make art to stand in or to find childhood lost.

The other thing that is revealing for me about this body of work is this terrible need I have to make time slow down. I am too aware of it's passing. Maybe that is why I switched from the speed of the digital camera and am now working with slower cameras and slower processes .. trying to hold that moment. I think Carol Mavor defines this much more beautifully when she says: To photograph is, in a sense .. to make the world "doze off" into the permanence of a single, monotonous, and interminable moment".

And that is exactly what these portraits do for me. I look at them everyday, reliving it and holding onto that moment. So yes, these portraits are definitely about me as much as about my children .. I am not sure if we ever separate the photographer from the subject and ultimately the image.

collodion journey

2010-10-01T03:09:00.001-07:00

As you may know I went on a wet-plate collodion workshop in July for my 40th birthday, run by Carl Radford in Glasgow. And as you know I loved it. However, by the time I finally got around to getting my plates cut for my 5x4 and getting all the chemicals made up and sent from the UK and America it was the school holidays. My other problem was that my darkroom was actually my husbands office, so if I wanted to use it I would have to ask him to leave and then moan about the mess with his diving gear all over the place .. it wasn't ideal. So eventually the kids are back at school and I go out and buy a portable darkroom so that I can put it up in my kitchen and use my backyard as my studio. I read up on my notes, over and over again and made my first plate. Disastrous!! I immediately thought it was my exposures. So made loads of plates at various exposures .. nothing. I could see an image but it wasn't staying .. it looked more like a negative. So I emailed Carl who kindly told me to come up to Glasgow because he had some time off work. So on the Tuesday I was up at 5.30am to catch the train .. which was 20 mins late and I only just made the connecting train .. you should have seen me running like a lunatic at Carlisle train station with large format camera and chemicals .. So, we went through the silver, the slide, the way I worked etc .. taking it down bit by bit. Nothing wrong. So I went back happy (apart from a minor car crash on the way to the station .. poor Carl, did me a huge favour and I jump on the train leaving him with a damaged car .. felt terrible). So I get home about 9pm, tired but exhilarated, impatient to do more. So the next day, I do more plates, same thing. My heart sank. So scanned the wet-plates (slightly less embarrassed this time) and describe how I made everything up. It was my fixer, I had been making it up as if I was fixing paper .. this needed to be a 50/50 solution. Hurrah I thought. So next day, I put up the tent (you wouldn't believe how time consuming all this is:)) and the same thing happens. I want to cry. I email Carl again and he says try the potassium cyanide .. which I had been so nervous about using .. so I did yesterday, and hurrah, finally I made a plate. I cannot describe the joy I felt. Now, they aren't the most exciting images conceptually, visually but I love them. They are just of my poor old childhood doll which has been left out in the rain. Here are my results. I have two plates, one at a 3 sec exposure the other at 4 secs plus a test strip. Also a pic of my darkroom. I think when you look at all these you see the sheer madness of it all. Yet, other than making the plates the biggest lesson I have learnt is the passion that lays behind this process .. the sheer determination to do it that drives you. It's not just my determination to do it but people such as Carl's determination that I do it .. and that is why I love photography, because it is driven by passion.

2010-09-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

Photography certainly has it's ups and downs ... reflects life I suppose. I have had a really good couple of weeks .. with low points but I have still enjoyed it. Most probably, if you are reading this blog, you are like me. You live and breath photography, even dream about it. It is all-consuming. So occasionally (and I shouldn't let this happen but I do) when it goes wrong you feel low and when something goes right, the high is indescribable .. or maybe that is just a trait of my personality.

Anyway, starting at the beginning. About two weeks ago I decided it was time to make some wet plates. I hadn't done any since my workshop in July. I went out and bought a portable darkroom, which meant I no longer had to wait for my husband to tidy and vacate his office .. I then made up chemicals and started .. a total failure. Tried and failed with many exposures. So I got in touch with Carl who kindly invited me up to Glasgow so we could see what the problem was. So up at 5.30am and on the train to Glasgow. He made me make some plates up so he could see if I was doing anything wrong .. and typically (but thankfully) they came out ... as demonstrated below (not a brilliant composition but they came out although got a bit damaged with paper on journey home as varnish wasn't dry). We checked camera, back, silver and collodion .. all ok. So I came back home, tried again but had the same problem. So I scanned the plate to Carl and the next step is for me to change my fixer .. this time I will use the potassium cyanide and hopefully this will be the problem solved. I am going to do this on Thursday when I have the day to myself uninterrupted. Fingers crossed this is the problem. I just wanted to thank Carl publicly for the kindness and patience he has shown ... the collodion family are a very kind bunch. So although this could be classed as a low in my photography I have actually enjoyed it and am determined that I won't fail at it :)

On Saturday I had an email from a lady in America to say that she had seen my image 'Portrait of a Boy' published in Shots magazine .. I haven't seen it yet so can't confirm but if it is true and am truly happy and honoured .. I love this magazine, have subscribed for years.

Then last night I found out that my image 'Rabbit' had been selected to be shown in the WIDE-AWAKE DREAMING exhibition at PhotoPlace Gallery in Vermont .. juried by Russel Joslin editor of Shots mag. I am flabbergasted that I made it but buzzing with happiness.

So that's about it really. The highs and (not so) lows of my past couple of weeks in photography. I am constantly reminded that it is about the journey .. well because it's a long one with no destination in sight I am glad I am enjoying it.

ps this is one of the kindest men you could meet :) And not as scary as he looks ;)

choosing the easy path ...

2010-09-19T04:14:00.001-07:00

I have just spent the last two days on a workshop trying to reproduce these fuji positives into digital negatives and then reprinting them in the darkroom. It proved to be very challenging. The digital negatives weren't too difficult to make .. with the help of David Prakel they were significantly better than anything I could ever produce. The difficulty we had that I had to do it without the borders .. although not seen in this scan because I stupidly scanned it in black and white, there is a thin blue line that goes down the side and all the emulsion at the bottom is yellow. I had to decide how authentic I wanted this reproduction. The print came out well .. still a little on the flat side but pretty good. We then printed these digitally, life size, the borders left in, with the colour. Now I will be honest .. I think I preferred the digital .. because they said something of the image as an object yet I still like the idea of printing in the darkroom. I am not sure which one is the most authentic to the original.

On top of that I tried making some collodion wet plates last week .. a disaster .. I tried for two days and gave up and now thanks to the wonderful Carl Radford I am going up to Glasgow next week for some help.

So last night I sat down exhausted and said to Geoff, 'why do I always make things difficult when they don't need to be?' He laughed and said I have always been this way. He reminded me of the time when I was doing my MA in Holocaust literature and is if that wasn't challenging enough I started studying Yiddish literature and was invited to a conference in Oxford university .. they were all speaking Yiddish and I didn't understand a word LOL!!! Thankfully they were nice to me and my sheer ignorance. Then he said look at our honeymoon .. I wanted to backpack around Eastern Europe, stay in monasteries run by nuns in which we had to sleep in separate beds .. not very romantic. And now I am doing it with my photography.

So I went to bed with a book about a Fell runner .. I like running .. but hopefully sense will prevail and never attempt to join these mad men and women who run up and down mountains :)

memento mori

2010-09-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

Life is back to normal now .. the children are back at school and routine is back on the agenda. It always takes me a couple of weeks to adjust after the school holidays but life is never dull. I haven't been taking many pictures in the last couple of weeks but I have been reading a lot about photography and reflecting on my work. I think at times I have approached my work rather naively. I know it is about memory. It is about capturing a moment and holding on. I know it's about time and growing up or older. It's about life and death .. our mortality. When I had my son I was 31 years old and I could not believe how intense my love is for this child. My emotions raged between happiness and fear. I started to ask questions such as: "What is life about? Why are we here? etc. My mother told me this was perfectly natural, especially when you have a child and as you get older. I have always been a deep thinker .. too heavy at times maybe? But this was something new. Then I had my daughter and then I picked up my camera. My photographs became more and more reflective of these questions I had in my head .. but I never realised until now. As you know this summer holiday was so important for me. I am not sure exactly why. I think I am feeling the passing of time more acutely than ever before. I am seeing my children growing in front of me. I am photographing time and it's passing.

So why did I write this blog? It was because of a comment I came across on my work by the brilliant wet-plate photographer Quinn Jacobson. He commented on this photograph here in which he says: Very 19th century, very momento mori!

To which I replied: it's funny you should say this but since I have had children I have been acutely aware of my mortality .. more than I wish sometimes

And Quinn replies: Photography is the essence of mortality, no? In other words, we make images as part of our death denial illusion(s). I know I do. Children will have that effect, too.

I had never thought of photography in this way .. naive maybe, I am not sure. One thing I do know is that photography is so much more powerful when regarding emotions and life than I ever thought. Photography captures things you see and things you feel, consciously and subconsciously. These images here will become my family visual folklore ... memory, emotions and time passed on.

Tuesday afternoon

2010-09-07T05:35:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here and the silence is almost palpable. We came back from London last night ... tired and exhilarated. We took in so much and this included the Sally Mann exhibition. Anyway, today is that day when the children have gone back to school and the anti-climax has kicked in. So I am sitting here at my computer needing to write. Needing to relive this summer so it isn't just a distant memory. I am looking through the images of the past 6 weeks and enjoying them ... they feel wonderful to touch. I am reflecting why I took this particular image and not something else. I am questioning my need to record it in this way .. with a large format camera, with film .. when it means that I only get a selective view of what we did, what this year meant for us. If I had a digital camera I could have taken so much more .. I could have had hundreds of memories .. recording every moment .. but I didn't. Instead I chose to record it as if it were a memory itself .. already .. from the point of clicking the shutter release to peeling apart the film the moment was a memory. Children already gone, playing somewhere else, with something else. I stand there looking at this memory in my hands. In some ways that makes me sad because it makes me think too much. It makes me reflect on my own childhood and the passing of time. I wonder if this is a good thing?

Fleur and my childhood doll.

september is the cruellest month

2010-08-31T07:08:00.000-07:00

I know that T. S Eliot said that April was the cruellest month but I am afraid I have to disagree. Many find January a difficult month, but for me it is September. It is when the school holidays come to an end and a new year begins. I see how the year has gone pass so quickly, how my children have grown and how summer is now disappearing and Autumn and Winter are just around the corner. I don't feel sad but I don't feel ready for it yet. This time last year Fleur started school. I remember two days before I sat and cried. I was at university studying photography, it was all-consuming .. it took everything I had, particularly time. I sat and thought about all the times that Fleur had waited for me to come home and the times when I would be in the darkroom and she would fall asleep on the floor just to be with me. I couldn't believe that I had let that year go the way I did .. I felt guilty. I realised that I would never get that year back with her and I never wanted to feel that way again. This year has been so different. I left university. I missed it at first but it never stopped me in my quest to evolve as a photographer ... it put me on the right path. So over the summer holidays I have been recording my family time extensively and obsessively. I have been using a large format camera and have recorded our time in the mountains, at the lakes, at the sea, in the woods, at play and relaxing, all on instant film. I have photographed my children and our holiday as I see it .. in all its beauty. We are finally in our last week .. we have one more trip planned .. and then maybe the fuji will have a rest (as it is sadly been discontinued) and I start on my wet-plate work.

Family Album

2010-08-27T03:06:00.000-07:00

Ethereal Portraits by Deborah Parkin | Make Your Own Book

I am reading a fascinating book by Carol Mavor about 'The Photographs of Clementina, Viscount Hawarden' at the moment in which she discusses the family album. In it she writes:

"... it is the mother's duty to create palpable narratives of our lives"

She then goes on:

"Every photograph is a record of moments forever lost - snapped up by the camera and mythically presented as evermore."

I read this late last night in bed and it stayed with me throughout the night. I had just finished putting a book together on blurb .. a record of my summer holidays with my children. Every image in this book is a personal, significant memory. It is not a collection of smiling faces saying 'cheese' at the camera .. they are images that reflect the personal and emotional journey of their childhood. I call the book 'Ethereal Portraits' because they are fleeting moments of time, forever gone but profoundly important. It is also about a mothers journey .. how I see them, how I see their world .. as I say in my book,

"It is a world created through poetic imagination"

Their imagination, not mine .. I observe and feel but this is their world.

2010-08-23T00:43:00.000-07:00

I am afraid this blog may be a bit of a rant .. so look away now. I had an email today .. I very kind one but nonetheless one that has made me feel rather frustrated. It was an email telling me that I needed to stop photographing my kids, that I am limiting myself and I need to step out of my comfort zone. This isn't the first time I have heard this of course, but I must admit I am frankly a little tired of hearing it. I just needed to say that I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times. I really should put a folder up on my website to show that I have done commercial, landscape, documentary, studio, still life and more .. but it isn't what interests me. Don't get me wrong .. I love to look at these just not shoot them. I do step out of my comfort zone ... If anyone thinks that photographing children on a large format camera is easy then they are mistaken.

In the last 2 or 3 years I have lost two important people in my life. My sister was diagnosed with skin cancer (thankfully she is ok) and my nephew was born with heart defect (again thankfully ok). On top of that I haven't been well over the past year ... thankfully not life threatening but it was only last Tuesday that I got the results to tell me so. My reasons for telling you this (as personal as it) is to emphasize why it is important for me to photograph my family. I am so aware of the fragility of life and our mortality. For me it is about documenting my life and theirs .. hopefully in a beautiful, thought-provoking way. I understand what the person in the email was saying to me .. If I want to 'make it' as a photographer then I need to be more versatile. But the way I look at it is that there are thousands of us trying to get a break .. it would be nice, but that is not what my work is about. It's just a record to show we were here .. if it never makes a gallery my work will always have an audience for my future generations .. along with the many journals I keep .. and ultimately that is what I am about, that is what my work is about.

I photograph emotion

2010-08-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

Someone on an art site has just made an interesting comment on my work in which he asks:

But really, I question why in the new photos do you put your kids in such space? A thick atmosphere; heavy tolerance that is hard for me ...

In a funny kind of way I like people challenging me like this now. It means that I have made them think about my work .. and isn't that what art is supposed to do? To make you think, to provoke and inspire? My response this was that these images are about me as much as my children. They are about others too. My children may do something in there everyday activities that inspire me to take a photograph. My work allows me to reveal myself, my inner feelings and my life without me having to speak. Ultimately my work is about emotion. It is about stillness. It is about holding that memory. It is about beauty. It is about contemplation. Sometimes it is about sadness too. It is about life.

watching them grow in stillness

2010-08-13T07:35:00.001-07:00

So our family summer holiday is nearly over. We have spent it here in the North of England .. not really venturing far away from our home but away nonetheless. It has rained almost continuously. But it has been an incredible journey for me. It was my first summer holiday in which I used a Large Format camera and I cannot express how pleased I am that I did. These images here are a selection of the family album of our summer holidays. It is a year in which myself, my art and my children have been so connected and I believe this is because they have been selected intimate moments. No longer am I carrying a camera around snapping away hoping to capture that moment. Instead I am enjoying and watching and learning and knowing when to take the picture of them. The first image of Fleur is taken at the Lake District. Earlier that day she climbed her first mountain .. this is her moment of looking at the mountain and what she had a achieved .. she was so still. I also witnessed the love of the outdoors grow in my children .. the oneness with nature .. the way they interact with it ... whether it was rock pooling, collecting sticks to make camp, tramping through forests, paddling in ice cold water, or just sitting in their stillness. I hope this family album captures the beauty of my children and their oneness with the world around them as well as their separateness to it. I hope it is about them and others too.

In the Woods

2010-08-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

Ok. So today I ventured out again with my large format camera and instant film (I am really starting to enjoy this and once my head is under the black cloth I feel invisible). This time no slippery, seaweed engulfed rocks to tackle .. just fern and bracken and ever the changing light conditions. Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to get some images of the kids in the woods. I spent so much time in woodland as a child ... it is a place that is enchanting and terrifying for me. So, I find the light between the trees and set up the camera. In the meantime the children are building a camp and collecting branches and Daisy (the mad puppy) is running amok. I take my first shot ... oops forgot to put my watch on .. so Geoff has to time me for peeling apart the film. Then I realise I have forgotten the box to put photographs in .. so we improvise and hang them on branches to dry. I move around the woods trying to catch moments of the sun ... frustratingly it was much quicker than me. Then 3 other mad dogs come flying over to us and all 4 dogs are whizzing around my camera .. on top of that the dog owner had just found a domestic rabbit that had been dumped .. they were taking it to the vets. So I take about 6 images in total. We pack up and use our fingers as coat hangers .. holding the film so it won't stick to each other .. a few bugs seemed to like it but fortunately they got home in ok. I shall post the other images later but in the meantime here is a picture I took on the shoot and the others are obviously not taken by me but are of me :) . Thanks as ever for reading and would love to hear your photographic stories.

out and about with my large format.

2010-08-05T01:04:00.000-07:00

I am on my holidays at the moment. We are up at the beautiful Northumberland coast .. one of Britain's best kept secrets. Anyway, as you may have read, I am rather a shy kind of photographer and like to stay unnoticed. Well, that isn't going to happen with a large format camera. Anyway, off I trot down to the beach .. a bag with camera, lens, light meter etc etc and not forgetting tripod. On top of that there are two children and a mad puppy and towels, snorkelling gear. So I gingerly tread over the rocks and the pools and set up my camera. And after battling with the wind and the black cloth clinging to my face (fuji instant film can be a nightmare in the wind too ... trying to keep the neg and positive side apart) .. then you have the sand sticking to the image as the emulsion dries. Then Daisy (puppy) running around like a complete lunatic because she was wet and me shouting 'mind my camera', like she understood. It was a good experience. Then there was Geoff getting so excited because he found a crab .. a big one in fairness. I like to think my children will have some good memories of this ... albeit slightly eccentric at times. I got a few shots I was happy with too. I did have one man come up to me and ask if I was a professional photographer ... (Geoff pipes up .. more an obsessional one) .. So more lessons learned on my journey with my large format camera.

So, I suppose my photography and how I photograph is much more revealing about my personality than I ever thought

2010-08-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

This blog is really a continuation of my previous one in which I talk about being a shy, self-conscious photographer. However, it isn't about how I photograph but rather the outcome of my vision that says a lot about me. I had this epiphany this afternoon when photographing Fleur. The first portrait is under my direction. I wanted to her look up at the camera, into the lens .. stare directly into it. She was rigid and uncomfortable and non-compliant .. to a point. I had to work quicky .. she moved in between taking glass off to put fuji back on. So here I have a rigid, awkward child .. yet it's me as a child .. it is me staring back at the camera. It reminded me of how I would lay in bed, terrified after a nightmare .. absolutely convinced someone was coming up the stairs to get me .. the fear so intense I would hold me breath.

The second image is about Fleur. She was hot, bored, tired. She pulls her dress off her shoulders and says I want to close my eyes now .. I take the photograph ... It is her .. it is about her childhood .. she is confident and at peace with life.

I love that .. I love the power of photography ..

What does your art say about you? Is it about what you see or feel, or both? Would love to hear what you think.

Having a child gave me a new window on the world

2010-07-30T00:21:00.000-07:00

I have been watching with interest a debate going on in an 'art' site about what is acceptable art and what should be allowed to be uploaded there. One of the criticism leveled at it was the 'family snap' and it's lack of artistic merit. As you can imagine this hit a nerve with me. I have often come across this. I have had so many people telling me that I need to branch out creatively and photographically, step away from just photographing my family, children in particular. Well, I did for a while. I tried a bit of landscape, street photography even documentary and studio. I used to think that if I did this it would make me a better photographer. I was wrong. I have to photograph what I love.

I was reading Joyce Tenneson a couple of days ago and she wrote:

Having a child gave me a new window on the world

Wow! This blew me away. It is exactly how I feel. To watch and witness them and to photograph them makes me see life in a whole new way. Since I have had children I am braver yet more afraid ... I thought I knew about love and then I had a child. When I photograph them we are connecting on an even deeper level. This latest image is important to me. My son is incredibly sensitive .. it is like looking in a mirror at times. It can be painful to watch him coping with emotions that he doesn't understand ... I am here to guide him and help him. This photograph, for me captures his vulnerability and his stillness .. it is a photograph I can't stop looking at. This is why I love family photography. This is why I love looking at other family photographers such as Rita Bernstein, Sally Mann and Margaret M de Lange. When photographing children we reveal something of ourselves as well as documenting them as individuals. And that is why I believe family photography is important.

stepping out of the comfort zone

2010-07-27T01:16:00.000-07:00

I have never really had a problem of stepping out of my comfort zone photographically. As you know I like to try different things .. learn new techniques. In the past 3 years I have moved from snapping away at my family with my digital camera to using medium and large format cameras in a more thoughtful and conceptual manner (still family, yes). I have created a body of work based upon childhood memories and now I am working on a series of 'emotive, instant portraits' using my large format camera with fuji instant film. And on top of that I am taking up wet-plate collodion. So artistically, creatively I am not scared to step out and challenge myself.

However, were I am weak is when it comes to marketing myself and throwing myself open to the big bad world. I was listening to Polly Chandler on 'Inside Analogue Photography' radio program in which she says that for all the acceptances she has had, she has had as much rejection. This made me think .. that rejection isn't about failure and with the rejection you have to still believe in yourself.

I have always had a tendency to sit back .. let things happen. I have entered the odd competition but I have never presented my work to magazines or galleries (yes I do have work in a gallery but that is because they saw it and asked for it .. I never went in off my own back).

So, my reason for writing this blog is to ask for advice. I need to put a portfolio of work together .. tightly edited. I need at least 12 images (up to 20) and I would be really grateful if anyone could make suggestions (it doesn't have to be 12, just one or two). Also, if anyone knows of or could suggest magazines, journals, galleries that would be suitable for my work, where I would 'fit in' please could you let me know. I would be grateful for any advice. Thank you :) Time to be brave..

Instant portraits.

2010-07-20T01:26:00.000-07:00

Well it has been over a week since I did the wet-plate collodion course and although I have basically ordered everything I need now (although still on a look out for a 8x10 camera, with wet plate back and a lens) it is just a matter of waiting (easier said than done). In the meantime I am still working with my 5x4 large format camera (although after the wpc course this feels like a compact camera:)) and Fuji's equivalent to the polaroid instant film. My concept behind this is to try and get so-called every day portraits of family life .. or at least my children's life ... and yet try and create something that can be at times ambiguous and thoughtful. As you may know I am intrigued by childhood and the feelings that it conjures up insides me .. when I take a picture of my children I am almost certain that a part of me is there .. a part of my childhood is there. Because when I press the shutter it not only captures them, it captures me. At times, rather than the free spirited ideal of childhood we expect I found my childhood to feel claustrophobic with fear, loneliness and sadness .. I wanted to escape into the mirror in front of me and be that person looking back and not the one I was ... these images, at times are that mirror. Thankfully this is not something I see in my children .. I see both the vulnerability and their free-spirit too.

So why did I choose to use instant film? Again, it reminds me of my childhood .. we have loads of polaroid pictures .. even my mum's wedding was taken using this method. The large format holds it still for me .. it isn't the snapshots we had as a child, it makes me think, it makes me engage in that moment. The process is quite magical .. not just for me but the children too .. they peel it apart and become are part of the process.

wet-plate collodion workshop

2010-07-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

As you may know I went on a wet-plate collodion workshop for my 40th birthday. I wanted to do something that I felt was special and that would make me step out of my comfort zone and would hopefully be life enhancing. Well this was achieved. If I am honest I was really nervous .. more than I could rationally understand. I think one of the reasons is because I was not just learning something new but I was also learning in front of others .. as I have said before, I am a private photographer in many ways and this was leaving me wide open. I was also amongst other photographers whose work I really admire .. lets just say, I definitely was the amateur there. However, this actually didn't matter to anyone. I met really nice, kind and inspirational people on this course .. who guided me with patience and kindness. So when I arrived at Carl's house on Friday night I met everyone, we had some food and watched Sally Mann .. a great way to break the ice. Saturday morning, went for breakfast in the hotel .. my birthday .. felt sick and couldn't eat. Arrived at Carl's house at 9.30 and after a brief chat we went into the darkroom and started .. no messing around. I remember the first time I saw my first black and white image develop and how magical it was .. this was even more miraculous. When you took the plate out into the light it has an almost 3 dimensional feel .. they are almost bewitching.

The first image I did isn't here .. It was of a lovely man from Greece called Kostas .. I gave him this plate to take home with him. The first image here is a family portrait taken by John Brewer .. who was just inspirational .. I actually hate pictures of myself but there is something about this process that makes the vanity drop away (it has too) and you see before you a timeless, haunting image that lives with you. I will treasure this forever. The other plates here I did myself .. although John took the picture of me I poured the plate and developed it. The process is magical and addictive .. and the smell, especially from the varnish (has lavender in it) is heavenly.

Before I go I just wanted to thank Carl for pushing me that little bit more than I would ... I am truly inspired by this process now and can't wait to get going with it. I also want to thank John, Andrew, Kostas and Marizu for your kindness and energy .. you made it a truly great birthday experience for me.

reflections.

2010-07-08T01:21:00.000-07:00

I turn 40 on Saturday and although I am one to think about things all the time, this has made me more reflective than normal. I think that when I turned 30 it felt insignificant because my life hadn't changed that dramatically since I was 20 .. yes, I had got married, moved around the country, travelled a bit but that was it. This decade has been so different. Firstly and most importantly I became a mother. I also lost people who were very dear to me .. I hadn't really encountered death in my 20's but it came several times over in my 30's. I also picked up the camera in all seriousness and changed my path .. instead of the academic career that I had been working towards I now embrace photography. This probably wouldn't have happened without my children.

All of these things have really changed me. I used to carry so much emotional baggage around with me that I just don't do now. I have used my photography as a way of releasing all these emotions .. a cliche maybe, but nonetheless true.

This first photograph is one of those images that stirred a deep memory in me. It wasn't meant too. I set the camera up to take a picture of light and shadows ... Fleur sat down and shielded her eyes from the sun .. she is wearing her school uniform. I pressed the shutter and pulled out the photograph .. waited 30 seconds for it to develop. When I peeled it apart I felt really sad and if I am honest wasn't sure why. This is not what I expected. I put it to one side to dry and left it. I went to bed a few hours later and took it off my desk and thought 'no, I can't publish this it's too sad'. I showed my husband the next day. He agreed that it felt sad but not like I thought and that I should publish it .. It was only sad to me because I saw something of me in it .. The memory it evokes is one in which I ran away from school (I always did this) and my mum would send me up to my room. It was a difficult time for both me and my mother ... but it is only as a mother myself that I can empathize with her. At the time I felt lonely and abandoned .. it probably wasn't like that ... my mum was probably scared and didn't know what to do. I suppose that is the power of photography, it can bring these deep memories into your present in an almost physical sense .. allowing you to deal with them head on and I suppose that is why I can't stop doing it.

On a lighter note .. I am off to Glasgow to do the wet-plate collodion course tomorrow .. mixture of nerves and excitement .. will blog about it of course next week.

where do you draw the line?

2010-07-01T04:20:00.000-07:00

I suppose there are several reasons for writing my blog today. The first is about my obsessional attitude to photography and photographing my family. The other is a bit of a progress report and finally the next step.

Ok. So the obsessional bit. I am not the sort of photographer who carries a camera around everywhere I go (I used to be) but when I have a project in mind I am restless unless I am pursuing it. And my latest project is to record my family using a large format camera and hopefully in an honest way and with their collaboration. However, this has a downside and has made me somewhat a hypocrite. When I had to give a mini lecture at university on Sally Mann my starting point was to defend her, however, one thing I did say was I personally am not as driven and as a mother know when to put the camera down .. until last Sunday. England had just been knocked out of the World Cup by Germany, my son went into the garden and I was setting up my camera. He had his back to me and was crying. Instead of sitting with him I took his picture. I was talking to him and when I finished I sat with him but I couldn't stop myself needing this image .. his emotion was so real, so raw .. I needed to record it. I shocked myself if I am honest. Was it worth it? I think so. Was my son upset by my behaviour? Not at all .. In fact he was is so used to the hood over my head now (getting very hot) that the camera was almost invisible ..

So here are a few more shots from that day with my large format camera. I am still making mistakes and children and LF work is not an easy combination. I am still having days where I wonder why I put myself through this but I suppose it is because deep down I love a challenge and cannot keep still. And I suppose that is why this time next week I shall be getting ready to go on a workshop for Wet-plate collodion ... now this I am very nervous about and wonder why on earth I thought I should do it ... but that is me all over. I suppose we all need a challenge in our lives and this will definitely be it for me ... a great way to celebrate my 40th birthday.

that's the kind of girl/photographer I am ...

2010-06-17T01:56:00.000-07:00

This blog came about from a reply I made to someone in my my last post and a conversation I had with my husband just this morning. It was about the way I photograph .. and one of his criticisms (and kindly meant) was that I hold back in certain situations when I should be out there photographing. Well, the thing is that I actually photograph how I live my life ... I am actually quite a shy, self-conscious photographer, so the situation has to be perfect for me ... so quiet, so on my own. Take last night. My son took his oath at the cubs .. I took along my hasselblad to take pictures but I knew I wouldn't be up there with all the other parents and press photographer snapping away .. instead I took portraits of him on his own looking incredibly pleased with himself .. I also took pictures of Fleur because she had the most amazing (and by that I mean hilarious) clothes on .. her own unique style. I couldn't bring myself to jump in with the others, I just couldn't. I wish I could of course. Thankfully my husband is there to capture the more public moments. Even my snapshots are usually of private moments .. such as my 'time passes' work here on my website. You will notice that a lot of my work is done in my house or back yard .. these images here however are done in very public places. But, they are usually done when it is relatively quiet and I work super quick before anyone comes again. People laugh at me (those who know me) .. they don't understand me. There are so many people walking around these places with tripods and cameras and yet I hide mine in a bag or cradle it like a baby, take the image, put it back. The first image here was taken about 5 hours after I arrived .. it was really busy, so we went for a long walk, came back about 5pm .. really quiet, the sun was out .. it was perfect. The other two ... much the same. I knew what I wanted but waited. So, I suppose my photography and how I photograph is much more revealing about my personality than I ever thought .. that is the great thing about blogging, you learn something about yourself without even trying.

peaks and troughs

2010-06-08T03:56:00.001-07:00

I have been meaning to make myself take a bit of time out from the internet for a while ... I find I can be a bit obsessive and only feel I am being 'successful' if I am producing something on a very regular basis. But I found it difficult if I am honest and then I would get frustrated if I wasn't coming up with image after image that I felt proud of. However, life has a way of sorting this out for you doesn't it? For three weeks now I have been trying to get outdoors with my large format camera and my kids and have failed miserably. One weekend we are at the beach ... family members descend and I am afraid I am out of the zone by then ... I cannot work with my camera, kids and talk to my mother-in-law (as lovely as she is) at the same time. Then I was ill the following weekend which was actually a blessing in disguise .. it made me sit back and realise that I am rushing my work far too much .. I was always trying to do too much and now I am paying for it. So this weekend as a family we went away without camera (ok took holga for snaps but that doesn't count) and just enjoyed being in the moment .. not outside of it, observing it, creating it as I usually do. It was wonderful.

It's funny how photography and creativity peak and trough. It was quite a few months now (almost a year) that I first did this image and from there it sparked a whole load of images that are based on my childhood memories. And now I am back again ... learning new skills whilst my creativity is a bit on hold. I have to accept that I can't be creative all the time ... I have to accept that I decided to put down my digital camera and move onto a large format camera (and medium) and that takes time too ... not just in the learning but in the processing of it. I see other photographer/artists pouring out work (and it's good) day after day, I cannot do that and I have to accept that and that acceptance feels good.

I sometimes forget I am still learning.

2010-05-28T06:09:00.000-07:00

I have to admit it before I start feeling a complete and utter failure on my own ... I am making so many mistakes in my photography at the moment. Large format and children is much harder than I anticipated. I can't believe that I get the simplest things so wrong. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind making mistakes and most of the fuji work is far from perfect .. yet I like it. But, I think I have been rushing the moment so to speak .. I think I thought I would have a big body of work that I would be proud of .. and I don't. I have a box of these images that are out of focus (usually because the kids have moved from the focus spot whilst attaching the polaroid back to the camera) or the exposure is completely wrong (how? I have a light meter that always worked before :)) Take yesterday for example, I took a picture of Fleur resting on my bed .. both children home from school poorly. I really liked it so asked Abe if I could take his picture (poor boy, last thing he needed) in my bed too .. he obliged .. took the ready, same set up and a completely different photograph. Same vignette at top but the bottom half totally blown out .. how? I am not sure if I did something in camera or maybe not allow enough time to develop .. but it was extreme. The irony was that I loved the shot ... now loads will hate it I am sure. But I have posted it to show my disasters and my huge learning curve that I am going through.

Anyway, I usually have a day or so of self-pitying (such as why the hell did I book a wet-plate collodion course when I am hopeless and no way near ready) and then pull myself

together and see what I can do. Usually it comes back to enjoying the moment and the process of learning and discovery and asking myself why I need to do photography. So I have bought a couple of photograph/scrap books and some corners and I am now creating a photographic journal (I write a journal already but this one is solely dedicated to photography). I am doing this for my kids and grandkids .. they are going to share my journey .. and hopefully in 100 years or so they can witness me and my world. I shall put good and bad and I shall write about it along the way ... I am actually excited about this .. my children will have something of me. So if I never get any recognition outside of the Parkin household then so be it ... I need to be in the moment with me and my camera and my family.

child led ...

2010-05-24T04:39:00.000-07:00

I am starting a new project. One in which I give up some of my creative power to my subject. I have decided to allow my children to express themselves in front of my camera in whatever way they like and although I may help chose the setting I will literally only be pressing the shutter. I want to capture their expressions and feelings .. those that come naturally with their environment and their relationship to me as mother and photographer. I will be using a Toyo 4x5 field camera (so lots of boredom will no doubt set in) and fuji instant b&w film (a way of instant gratification for the models)

My inspiration comes from an interview I was reading by my favourite photographer, William Ropp .. two things struck me. He states that he never asked a kid to express a particular feeling ... but somehow they are plunged into his unreality. He also says that he 'has a lingering sadness from my childhood' ... something I relate to profoundly. He also states that he draws upon his childhood because he is happy in his life now .. again something I relate too.

Anyway, this picture here is one of the first in my new project. Fleur could do whatever she wanted and this is what I captured ... I was surprised if I am honest .. that something so striking and quite fearful was captured. I think maybe, a photographer projected feeling can never leave an image. And to make it all worthwhile, I had an amazing comment made by someone:

a child's fear cuts to the bone, and the dark stain on the stairs bodes no good. there is always emotion in your work, but this is new territory - perhaps the country home in 'Turn of the Screw' where strange things happen to good people. The pallid whispery tones are unhealthy and the startled subject seems too suddenly aware of a solemn menace that appears from behind the viewer, cleverly including us in the extended frame. From the simplest elements comes a compelling, complicated drama that has the effect of a scream in the night.

It's about the journey.

2010-05-18T03:59:00.000-07:00

I have a very chaotic brain. I have too many thoughts streaming through continuously. I have many dreams,but not many plans and that causes me some problems in my head. I think half of my problem is I am a bit like a puppy chasing my tail .. going round and round and not really getting anywhere. I am also a bit like the child in this photograph .. wanting to participate, wanting to play, yet turning my back for fear of getting hurt or rejected.

I wrote a journal the other day about networking ... now don't get me wrong, I love it to a point but I honestly cannot keep up with the rate of some people. And I am not an aggressive marketer either. When I network I am genuinely interested in meeting like-minded people along the way .. I am not interested in stock piling a following .. I hope those who like my work is because they get something from it and nothing else. Maybe I do need to venture out into the 'real world' a bit more .. just need to know where to start.

I think I need to remind myself I have only just started on this journey ... enjoy it .. I know it's a cliche but it isn't always about the destination .. because I have no idea where this destination will be .. because I will always be photographing and always learning.

curiouser and curiouser

2010-05-13T05:28:00.000-07:00

It's hard to know where to start with this blog today. My mind is a bit messy and trying to articulate how I am feeling or have been feeling the past couple of days may not be easy. I have just read Alice in Wonderland to Fleur as she is lying poorly on the sofa and the beautiful phrase 'curiouser and curiouser' came up and seemed to strike a chord with me. Not because I am feeling that way but because I seem to have lost some of it. My world has got smaller in the last ten years.

Ten years ago I was living in London and would spend my time going to the theatre, galleries etc. I liked to travel. I also seemed to care more about the larger part of life .. politics, human rights, animal rights .. you name it, I stood for it. I was passionate. Passionate about the bigger picture .. then after the Iraq war when I saw all walks of life marching and being ignored, I became disillusioned in a way I never believed I could.

Now, I live in a small town in the north of England taking pictures of my children. I walk the dog and run and do housework. And it was when walking the dog that I thought .. I think I am living a selfish life .. I have lost that interest in life that I once had. I have become more insular.

Now, I don't know if I will do something about it .. but I am not sure where that old me has gone. Don't get me wrong .. I am not unhappy with my life, I am just curious as to how it turned out this way. Maybe I am now witnessing my children being curious and maybe sub-consciously I am with them on this journey and not on my own.

I am not sure if I will leave this blog up. I don't want it to sound self-pitying ... it's not about that at all. It is merely reflecting on the past 10 years of my life (must be something to do with approaching 40 in a couple of months) and how it has changed. Maybe it is because I have just witnessed an election in our country and made me see the amazing things that people achieve with their lives. I know I am still on my journey .. I know I have done the most amazing thing with my life in bringing Abe and Fleur into this world. I know picking up the camera and recording their life and mine has been the best thing I have ever done .. I am just wondering .. where is it all going to take me? Will the old me come back? Will the next ten years be so different yet again?(aha!! maybe I haven't lost a bit of Alice in me after all).

We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are." - Anais Nin

2010-05-07T07:13:00.000-07:00

I don't want to dwell on this subject too much but after my last blog post I took courage and posted this image to my facebook photography page. Well someone reported it and facebook censored it and removed it. Apparently it is offensive. Well, I was at first shocked and a bit angry that one person's objection was upheld. Ironically, this image is still on facebook in a group that obviously don't have any objections, yet i on my own page in which people come to and view (voluntarily) it has been removed. Why did they feel the need to report this image? Surely there is much 'worse' or more worthy causes? Anyway, rather than hide away like I did the first time I was censored I feel empowered. I don't feel that I was wrong. Anyway, someone has posted some wonderful quotations on my wall and this is my purpose of the this blog ... I want to share them with you so if you are ever faced with criticism or censorship you too can feel empowered. I hope you enjoy these and take courage .. and thanks too for Rich Demanowski for sharing these with me.

"We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are." - Anais Nin

"Conventional people are roused to fury by departure from convention largely because they regard such departure as criticism of themselves." Bertrand Russel

"The suppression of uncomfortable ideas may be common in religion or politics, but it is not the path to knowledge." - Carl Sagan

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." - Anais Nin

childhood photography

2010-05-05T03:16:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I had my image, 'Carousel' removed from a group in an art website that I belong to. The reason was because they felt it was inappropriate for children to be set in settings that they deemed to be dark or dangerous. I have to be honest I was shocked and a bit upset. (On the same website there was a debate as to whether it was appropriate to have children without clothing even partial ... the consensus was that it wasn't.) However, it did make me question if I was doing the right thing ... was I exploiting my children? Was I being a bad mother? I felt hurt and guilty to start with but now I can honestly say I don't feel these things. I am taking images of my children yes, but which parent doesn't. Ok you could argue that mine are slightly different to the snapshot ... but not to my children. To my children I am just hanging around with a camera. I know this kind of photography is rich pickings for psychologist ... was reading an article about a mother who was scrutinised by academics for doing much the same as me (and look at the backlash for Sally Mann) ... but this surely is no worse than putting your child in an agency to become a model or actor? If my children do not want to be photographed then they will not be. I try to be as honest as possible in my photography. I am no Sally Mann (she is a million times better and more) .. and that is not because I disagree with her images. I love her work (as I love the work of William Ropp and Margaret de Lange) and don't find it distasteful at all (for goodness sake look at Julia Margaret Cameron's work ..she had children in similar poses and without clothing and this was a Victorian photographer) . I am just different. At university I had to do a talk on this .. I had to use my images (pictured here) and that of Sally Mann .. the consensus amongst students and academics was unsurprisingly liberal and no-one shocked but my lecturer did warn me that if I put it in a local gallery I should expect criticism .. interesting!! So it's about the audience as much as the photography then?

I do think that if we are only to have children in photography as smiling and innocent then we are doing an injustice to photography and childhood.

I have been reading a fascinating book on childhood photography in which is states that:

Unlike images of Romantic childhood, those of the Knowing childhood, for the first time in the history of art, endow children with psychological and physical individuality while recognizing their distinct identity as children.

It then goes on to say that it was photographers such as Arbus, Gowen and Ralph Eugene Meatyard paved the way in showing us that childhood, 'deviates, suffers, and struggles.' And it is this that interests me, it is this that I feel is fundamental to an honest vision of childhood ... I have many 'happy' images of my kids (and you can access thousands of images to see happy kids) but I also want to show the other side of how childhood can feel, not just for me but for many others.

If you are interested the book I am reading is: presumed innocence. photographic perspectives of children. ed by Kate Dempsey.

beginnings

2010-04-26T05:02:00.001-07:00

So this is where it began. Carousel was the beginning of a project that I call 'childhood narratives'. When I first picked up my camera it was, like many of us, to take pictures of my kids, usually in happy moments and less so in unhappy ones. I don't think I consciously changed but rather my photography evolved and gradually became more and more conceptual .. drawing from my past and little about what was going on in the present.

This image is most definitely about feelings and emotions ... some truths and some not. The idea came from a deep memory I have of being taken to the fairground by my father. He had taken me and my sister to stay with his sister's family and we had a day out in Blackpool. I think I must have been about 6 and my sister 4 .. we may have even been younger. As I have said before my dad is a heavy drinker (alcoholic if you like) .. and I think he had been drinking, along with his family, when he took us. My sister and I were rather shy and didn't know this part of the family. Anyway, he put us, not on a Carousel but a ghost train .. on our own and we screamed the whole way around and as we came out of the top we could see him laughing his head off (I can sort of laugh at this as an adult but not as a child). This image is about that fear and about that memory. These memories do not bother me. They are fact and I am drawing on them .. I just want to show that some childhood memories are about fear and loneliness as well as joy and freedom .. I had both but the over-riding memory is the first.

So what you may see in my photography isn't an actual memory but a derivative of that memory .. a feeling and sensation. This isn't me standing in front of a Carousel but my projected feeling of being at a fairground with my dad ..I was hundreds of miles away from mum and home. Everything was strange and everyone around me were strangers and I was scared and and I suppose that is what Carousel is about.

interconnections

2010-04-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

I love how life is so interconnected ... all the opportunities I talk about below are due to a series of interconnections, mainly through the internet. Even the gallery opportunity was only because I was getting a print framed to send to someone (from the internet) an image he liked .. they saw my work and offered to sell some of it.
Anyway, since leaving university in December I have been enjoying my photography but missing the comradeship of my friends. I miss the day to day banter and bouncing ideas off one another. However, I am so thankful for the internet. I have 'met' some amazing people and have had some wonderful opportunities. The day I wrote the email to say I had to leave I remember thinking 'well what now?' Well that what now has been rather enjoyable.

Since December I have been printing both digitally and in the darkroom. I have been putting a portfolio together. I have started using a large format camera (which is away getting new bellows and is deeply missed already :)) and experimenting with fuji instant b&w film .. such as this first image. I have also experimented with fuji instant in a polariod back for my medium format camera .. the second image.

And now I am ready for a new challenge. I can't say too much as things aren't finalised but I am hoping to do a wet-plate collodion process course in the summer and again this is because of the internet. First a wonderful photographer Jacqueline Roberts sent me a link to Quinn Jacobson as she is doing his course in Paris .. her portraiture already is exceptional so she will blow us away with wpc process I am sure. Anyway, through these connections I found Carl another fantastic and inspirational collodion photographer ... I will be embarking on a workshop with him in the summer ... and as you can imagine I am so excited. I am always on the look-out for new avenues regarding my photography and this will be the biggest challenge of all. So that is the year so far ... oh and also I got selected to be published in Square Mag .. which you can see by clicking on the link at the side. Even if you don't want to see my work it is worth checking out the other wonderful photographers in it.

So life is made up of these little connections .. just when you feel like one door is shutting (for me uni) another one and sometimes two opens (a cliche yes, but true nonetheless).

hiding and seeking

2010-04-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

I think we spend most of our lives hiding from some things and seeking out others. I am not sure which is the strongest for me personally. I think the weirdest thing for me, is I never know what I am actually searching for .... probably approval of others .. and I hate that about me, I really do. It must be a deep-rooted thing.

Anyway, these are my new images based upon these questions to a point and as always drawn upon childhood feelings.

I wasn't bought up in a religious house at all .. but my dad is a Catholic and every time we (my sister and I) would see him he would ask my sister if she was baptized yet. I was christened but my sister wasn't. It was a bone of contention between mum and dad .. mum had no problem with it but felt if my dad felt so strongly then he should come over and arrange it and take us to church .. he never did. I suppose what these pictures are about is my confusion of religion and love. My father would talk about my sister going to hell but never cared enough to 'save' her ... he would rather go to the pub. Maybe we need to look closer .. maybe we just need to love more. This first image is about that searching for love and approval. All images are about our human need for finding love. I must add am not a religious person ... but I do respect those who do believe ...

exposing my inadequacies as a photographer

2010-04-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am at that point with my photography when I am ready for the next chapter and yet I have no idea what it is. I have finally put up the images in the gallery ... I can't imagine they will sell as they aren't very commercial but you never know, they might speak to someone. I have sent off my images, bio and artist statement to a new on-line photographic journal/magazine and that should all be published by April 15th. Keep your eyes peeled for that one ... I have seen the other photographers they have selected and there is some amazing talent on it to feast your eyes upon.

I have also enjoyed playing around with my Toyo, although not as much as I would like too due to family illness, and life getting in the way. I have just tried out fuji instant film (Polaroid too expensive to play around with, will go for it when I know what I am doing :)) The result was a series of totally imperfect images, which I love. I took them in my kitchen. I loved the sun coming through the window. The biggest problem was it was exceptionally contrasty exposure ... to get the shadow the highlights blow out .. as it did with my daughter's hair. The weather kept changing within seconds too ... so exposure was almost useless. Anyway, that aside, I loved the instant gratification of seeing this image right in front of me. The children loved doing it too ... it was a magical process that they were only too happy to be part of. Anyway, here is one .. like I say ... totally imperfect ... from the way the emulsion lined as I pulled it apart (not so smoothly) to the said exposure and tilting and focusing. But what I really love about this is that it exposes me as a photographer and my situation of working fast and instinctively with my children. In a digital age in which I can work perfectly and correct at a later date this is totally refreshing.

gallery

2010-03-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

Feeling very happy. I just sent seven images to the framer for the art gallery.

My work will be part of a fine art photography gallery that represents photographers that offer something a little different ... their words not mine. So as you can imagine I am thrilled to have had my work accepted. They have asked for at least seven images to start with and considering it is only a small gallery I am very flattered. Maybe more in the future.

The seven images selected by me and the owner are as follows. I hope the right choice has been made ... it was incredibly difficult to edit. I wanted to show my work as a body of work and yet images that stand alone equally ... not an easy task. And thanks to everyone who has offered me advice ... it has been invaluable and really appreciated. xx

motherhood and photography

2010-03-17T05:43:00.000-07:00

When I was in the darkroom earlier I was thinking about pricing work. I am due to put images up into an art gallery and some of the art is in there is well lets just stay a lot of money and then there is some of my photographs haha!! How do you price a photograph? Especially if you print it digitally now?

At the weekend I did a photo shoot with my kids again. I hired a studio (a barn really and we didn't use it very much) at a farm .. I wanted to experiment with my large format camera. So kids loaded into car and a picnic and every bit of clothing for the unpredictable weather we have. We arrive at the farm. As I am setting up camera and looking like a complete amateur because I remembered chocolate biscuits but had to borrow a loupe, my kids decide to go off with the farmer to feed his sheep .. without telling me.

So they are back ... I have to work fast because they are not in the mood when there are donkey's to be walked and dogs to play with .. let alone highland cattle. So that's the shoot done (oh, and did I mention how cold it was?).

Back home. A mother. Cleaning, washing, dinners, shopping, homework, lots of laughs and occasional moans, dog walking.

Monday, develop negs. Go in darkroom and contact print. Dog walk, school pick up, homework, washing, ironing. Evening - scan contacts and nicely surprised. Now don't get me wrong they are not brilliant ... composition not very good and I wished I had more tilt on it .. but they came out :)

Tuesday, much the same .. develop more negs .. this time medium format. Happy with them. (Get the picture of Fleur at window with wings - see website in the memory section.)

Today, just in the middle of making up developer, stop and fix and fingers crossed the last of the 4x5 negs come out. Up in darkroom tonight when kids are asleep.

So it has taken me five days just to get a few images that I am happy with. So how do you put a price on that? ... I don't. I shall leave it to them because all I know money or no money I couldn't live without my photography.

Anyway, here are a couple of pics from my 4x5 (now don't be too critical it's a work in progress :))

imperfect dreams

2010-02-23T01:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent the afternoon developing some negatives and I just knew that they were doomed to failure. I suppose it had something to do with a puppy pulling on my leg for my attention. One set of negs I knew was going to be tricky (but hadn't thought that out of 24 shots not one would be good enough) due to light and me deliberating underexposing because I am too lazy to use a tripod and so therefore handheld. Anyway, I hung my negs over my bath and rushed off to pick the children up from school .. only just making it on time. When I got back one set of negs had fallen into the bath in a crumpled heap, stuck nicely together .. and worse of all they were the good shots (as in not the underexposed ones). So I got nothing from them. As for the underexposed ones ... well nothing really except this one. It is damaged, it has a water mark on it and dust and scratches, yet somehow I am drawn to it. I think it is because it makes me think and if one of my images makes me think or remember then I fall in love with it. Technically you could say awful but story wise a bit better.

I made these photographs one night when Fleur couldn't sleep because of a nightmare and so I made a bed up on the sofa for her to sleep. It was just the two of us in that night. When she fell asleep I looked and as always thought how beautiful she was, so naturally grabbed my camera and standing on coffee table started taking pics. I was amazed at her peacefulness despite the clunking and cranking of me winding on the film. I was also amazed that a body so peaceful could have nightmares going on in that little head.

When I scanned this neg last night, despite the flaws it made me think of the two recurring nightmares I had as a child and how vivid they are to me even now. It is so wierd how they would last all night yet when I think of them consciously they are 2 or 3 seconds. One of the nightmares was about a murderer in the shopping centre (this came about do to the tragic murder of my sister's best friend) and how I spotted him and was trying to get my friend's dad's attention so that he could save me ... I kept whispering his name over and over again, the murderer would start coming towards me and I would wake up.

My other nightmare was about a werewolf. A friends older brother told me they lived in my local woods and if I was over the park at midnight (why would I be?) and they saw me I was never to run away as they would catch me and kill me ... well of course in my dream I did run and the running lasted all night until I woke up and inevitably I would wake up just as the werewolf was about to pounce. This one makes me smile now .. they other one doesn't.

Nobody likes nightmares but for a child they are as real as you and I sitting down next to them.

Jane Bown

2010-02-18T13:11:00.000-08:00

I went to the Jane Bown exhibition today and was in awe of her use of natural light. Her work was really beautiful and captivating. Yes, you could argue that her subjects are incredibly interesting but I would argue that some of her best work is of ordinary people in ordinary circumstances and my own personal favourite is a woman leaning over to talk to a man on a couple of deckchairs ... Oh and the one of the child looking through a glass. I think I knew this exhbition would be good but one thing that did surprise was that most of them were digitally printed. I was totally shocked for two reasons. One is because everything I have read about her talks of the great printers who have printed her work and also that she is a wonderful darkroom printer herself. But what surprised me the most was how beautiful they were and how little it mattered to me what they were printed on. I was meant to go to this exhibition. As some of you may know I have been struggling over how I should print my work and a dear friend told me that my strength was in the emotions I convey in my photography ... that I should concentrate on the image, the photograph and not how it is printed. Today I saw that. It didn't matter to me how the prints were made but the emotion and dialogue the image was conveying to me.

ps .. sorry I haven't put any Jane Bown images up but not sure on copyright .. just google her there is loads :)

pps forgot to say that Fleur came with me and really enjoyed it ... it was inspiring to see black and white photography through the eyes of a four year old ... needless to say she like the ballerina one best (Margot Fontaine)

wednesday night

2010-02-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

I like to write on a Wednesday night. I have this time to myself, without interruption. I'm feeling quite positive at the moment. I had a nice day. A local gallery is interested in representing my work .. and I feel so excited by this. Not because it is going to launch me into fame and fortune .. couldn't be further ... but because someone really likes my work. They have totally engaged with it and were moved by it. Not someone I know, not someone that I am networking with but a third party, a stranger and this stranger was emotionally engaged with my work. This means so much more to me than money (although that would be nice too:))

It's also been a good week because someone in New York (another artist) has bought two of my images and it gives me such a worthwhile feeling to think of my work thousands of miles away in someone else's lives.

I got my lens today for my Toyo .. so tomorrow I start shooting large format .. can't wait. And to finish things off I am going to take my four year old daughter out tomorrow to see the Jane Bown Exhibition .. and she is so excited about it. It doesn't get much better than that.

I hope everyone else is having a good week.

ps,Here's my latest image .. I thought the reflection was a bit spooky ... I call it 'dislocated'.